2021
2020
7 Things Group Taught Me
By Mike Maxwell of Pure Desire Ministries
Although I couldn’t see it at the time, the pain in my life had to reach a tipping point: was I going to stay stuck in my addiction or was I going to do the work needed to find freedom?
From my perspective, what I’ve learned about myself, about God, and about living a life of sexual integrity would not have happened without the valuable lessons I’ve learned throughout my journey.
Among the lessons I’ve learned through my group experiences, and continue to learn, here’s what stands out as the key components to walking clean before God.
1. Humility
Why is humility first on the list? Because God hates pride and pride leads to destruction (Proverbs 16:8), but with humility comes wisdom (Proverbs 11:2). God actually opposes the proud (James 4:6) and His grace is available to the humble.
The first key to overcoming sexual sin is acknowledging in humility that God’s ways are right and we are sinners. This often involves confessing our sins, but I should warn you: we need to be intentional about the way we confess our struggles.
We need to have a plan and the counsel of a trained professional or others who have gone before us in this process. Confessing to your spouse without having a plan in place, accountability, and wise counsel on how confession and disclosure should take place is a recipe for disaster and possible divorce.
2. Repentance
Many of us are willing to humble ourselves and admit we are sinners, but far fewer are willing to truly move toward repentance. Jesus said we need to get drastic with personal sin, even to the point of cutting off a hand or gouging out an eye (Matthew 5:29, 30). Jesus is not literally telling us to maim ourselves. He is pointing out that if we aren’t willing to be as drastic as cutting off our hand (or the Internet) to avoid continuous sin, we haven’t really repented.
The second key to overcoming sexual sin is true repentance. Jesus said that He does not know those who claim His name yet continue to practice sin (Matthew 7:22, 23), so sincere, actionable repentance is crucial for the healing process.
3. Accountability
Many of us are willing to humbly admit our sin and are willing to repent but fail to succeed because we are unwilling to submit to the accountability of others. This sin requires accountability over time. This is a fight for our spiritual life, not to mention for our spouse and family. It will take three to five years of committed knock-down, drag-out fighting against the enemy to retrain and renew our mind.
We should be able to see our efforts begin to take root within a few months, but this is a character and integrity issue around faith and trust in God—it takes time to build enduring character and integrity. We will need others around us to help fight this battle and help us understand our personal struggle.
4. God’s Word
God’s Word is our most valuable weapon, yet many of us cut corners here. The Bible describes sexual sin as being as dangerous and sharp as a double-edged sword (Proverbs 5:3, 4) but describes the Word of God as being sharper than the sharpest double-edged sword (Hebrews 4:12)! For a person to change the way their brain has been wired toward sexual sin requires that they wash their brain and spirit with the Word of God. This means starting the day with a devotional time and memorizing Scripture.
When I’m tempted to sin, I have found that quoting a Scripture I am trying to memorize works wonders. If I can say it out loud to make sure the enemy can hear me, even better! Spit the Word of God in the enemy’s face every time he comes around. This is how Jesus fought temptation.
5. Gratitude
Sexual sin is all about wanting what we don’t have, and the enemy of our soul will ensure that we can never truly have our fill (Hebrews 12:16). We will always want more. The enemy entices us with fake intimacy and causes us to focus on the exterior body. When we focus on the body and how a person looks, we are chasing something shallow that cannot last. This will cause us increasing unhappiness and dissatisfaction.
We all age and our looks fade away, but true beauty, character, integrity, and faith in Christ cannot be measured by appearance.
We need to train ourselves to be grateful and express gratitude daily for what God has given us (or for the future He has for us). We are rejecting God when we chase what He has not given us.
If you’re married, God is your father-in-law. Your spouse, His son or daughter, is a gift to you. Find ways to express gratitude to God every day and especially for the spouse He’s given you.
6. Service
Sexual sin is all about greed (covetousness) and selfishness. The Bible says we reap what we sow (Galatians 6:7) and when we sow selfishness by engaging in sexual sin, we become increasingly filled with lust and selfishness (Psalm 115:8). It continues to blind us to the realities of what we are doing and how it affects those around us.
A Christian man or woman who is serious about defeating sexual sin must take their eyes off themselves and unselfishly contribute to the wellbeing of another. For example, we might start serving our spouse and family (even when we don’t feel like it).
For us men, the Bible says that we are to love our wives as Christ loves the Church (His bride), giving His life for her (Ephesians 5:25). If you haven’t died yet, keep serving her.
7. Seek Professional Help
If we’re married, we might need to get professional assistance in navigating the minefield that comes with confessing our sin to our spouse.
If you are hesitant, here is a piece of valuable advice: a counselor is cheaper than a divorce.
If we confess in the wrong way, we may destroy any chance of our marriage surviving. Involving a professional at the beginning of this process can be of great help and eliminate many complications.
We can’t let pride keep us from doing whatever it takes to keep our marriage intact as we go through this process. A professional in this instance can be a pastor or a counselor, but make sure they understand and have dealt with this type of disclosure process.
Why do I wish I had gotten into a purity group sooner? Because I waited too long to get into a group and deal decisively with my sin—and it cost me more than I ever dreamed it would.
In late November 2011, my wife and stepdaughter stumbled across the trail of my pornography habit on our home computer. I arrived home a few hours later to her tears and anger, and she asked me to move out. She was emotional and distraught and felt like she had married a lie. In truth, she had. I spent that holiday season alone in a dark hotel room, dodging family invitations—trying to keep everyone from finding out that my marriage was falling apart and why. And it got worse. My church found out, my family found out, everyone found out.
Finally, I was willing to join a group.
Why didn’t I join a group sooner? Simply because of my pride. The consequence of my pride cost me my marriage, my family, and the respect of everyone who believed me to be a man I wasn’t.
The biggest lesson I learned through this process is this: my Father in heaven loves me too much to let sin have me forever. He disciplines those he loves (Hebrews 12:6). Period.
I had given my life to Christ and He wouldn’t let me escape the consequences of my sin (Galatians 6:7). I’ll admit, there had been stop signs all along the way, starting in my twenties, but I blew right through them. God simply kept raising the stakes—the consequences—until He got my attention.
In the pit of my journey, all alone and desperate, I met God in a new way. He gave me this song and, even now, I still get emotional listening to it because it is my story. I am so grateful I found a love greater than life itself.
Group was a crucial part of my journey—I just wish I hadn’t waited so long.
Get in a group and fight! Every. Day.
2020
Battle Scars
By Rich More of Pure Desire Ministries
When we listen to someone’s battle story, the picture that forms in our mind tells us a lot about the struggles they’ve faced and their victories. We know it wasn’t easy. We know there were others involved in the process. And we know, even when they experienced minor setbacks, they gave 100%!
Sound familiar? It should. This is what recovery looks like.
No one ever said recovery would be easy. We all have experienced this at some level, either being the one who struggles with addictive behaviors or married to someone who struggles. So we know, up close and personal, what these battles look like.
For so many of us, we have tried to fight this battle on our own—trying to make our life look clean and put together on the outside so others can’t see just how messy we are on the inside. It’s often during times that our addiction was at its worst, we made sure to say all the right things and look the part. But on the inside, we were a mess. We cannot fight this battle alone.
Does your battle picture show others who fought with you and for you? Were there times when they carried you through the muck of life?
You may wonder, Why would we want to fight this battle with others? Pretty simple really. Here are three reasons to keep in mind.
1. We Need Others
There is just no way we can do this on our own. This battle is too hard and there are too many obstacles that we can not defeat on our own. Sexual temptation is coming at us from every direction. And, just when we think we are making traction in the right direction, the enemy starts calling an audible (changing the play). If we are not careful and cannot see the enemy’s schemes, he may call an audible that will totally set us back.
It is very important to lean on others who have gone before you in this battle and can see the enemy’s misdirections. People who are battle-tested, so to speak. People who have beautiful battle scars.
2. There is Power in Numbers
Matthew 18:20 says: For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.
The Bible clearly states that there is power in numbers. We need the support of others throughout this journey. At times, it might get ugly. We might become exhausted and feel like we can’t keep going. I’ve had the privilege of walking alongside and helping guys find freedom. In the same way, there are guys who have supported and carried me through some pretty messy times.
Don’t underestimate the power of your group. A group that runs like a well-oiled machine is strong, dynamic, and influential! God has put you in your group for a reason. Your group is a Band of Brothers (or a Band of Sisters) who can facilitate what we all thought was impossible.
3. Showing Your Scars Makes a Difference
Our scars do not define us. If anything, our scars show just how powerful we are. The trauma, abuse, and pain that we’ve experienced is a part of our story. Our scars are evidence of where we came from; not where we are going. Sometimes, it’s our scars that can make a difference in the lives of others. It can be a symbol of hope to those who are just starting their healing journey.
I can imagine that one day, when I meet God, he will say to me, “Your scars are beautiful.” They definitely got me where I am today. I get emotional just thinking about it. Our scars are beautiful in the eyes of God.
As we continue to live out our healing and help others find freedom, remember, don’t be afraid to show your scars. You may not see it or feel it now, but your scars are powerful.
But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds, we are healed.
Isaiah 53:5
2020
The Morning After
Yesterday I may have sworn that there was no way I was ever going to fall again. Things were getting better, but what happened? Now I’m sitting here, aching inside, and cursing myself. I allowed temptation to lure me into looking at something on my phone that I promised that I never would return to. I thought I was strong enough to handle it, but I couldn’t, or at least I didn’t, and now I’m miserable.
Peter had his own morning after experience. He had sworn to Jesus, “Even if everyone else deserts you, I will never desert you.” Jesus replied, I tell you the truth, Peter-this very night, before the rooster crows, you will deny three times that you even know me.” “No!” Peter insisted. “ Even if I have to die with you, I will never betray you!” (Matthew 26:33-35). Jesus had been right, as always! Jesus was betrayed, arrested, tried, and beaten. It was more than Peter could bear; but he couldn’t walk away. So he followed. He was suspected of being a collaborator. Each time he lied to protect himself. The third time, “Peter swore, A curse on me if I’m lying-I don’t know the man!” And immediately the rooster crowed. Suddenly, Jesus’ words flashed through Peter’s mind: “ Before the rooster crows, you will deny three times that you even know me.” “And he went away, weeping bitterly.” (Matthew 26: 74-75).
Jesus knew Peter was going to fall in advance; and his love didn’t skip a beat! God doesn’t hate us the morning after. He loves us every bit as much today as he did before we fell.
We may accept God’s forgiveness, but feel that our fall has disqualified us from serving God or aspiring to great things. We may conclude that we naught as well go back to the old lifestyle we had before we began to hope and work for something better.
The apostle Peter started out as a fisherman named Simon. That was all he was qualified for, at least before Jesus came along. “One day as Jesus was walking along the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers-Simon, also called Peter, and Andrew-throwing a net into the water, for they fished for a living. Jesus called out to them, “Come follow me, and I will show you how to fish for people! And they left their nets at once and followed him.” (Matthew 4:18-20). For the next three years, Jesus trained him to “fish for souls,” and during that time Peter witnessed many miracles. But then he blew it! In the end he denied Jesus. He went through three days of utter hell, and then the greatest miracle of all happened. Jesus was alive again!” But Peter still thought of himself as disqualified. He started up his fishing business again. That’s where Jesus found him, back in his old life. It was on that same shore that Jesus reaffirmed his call. Again he said to Peter, “Follow me”.
(John 21:19).
We may consider ourselves disqualified after a fall, but God doesn’t. The apostle Paul said, “For God’s gifts and his call can never be withdrawn” (Romans 11:29). Just because we’ve blown it doesn’t mean that we should give up and go back to our old lives. God still has a wonderful future for us. We only really fail when we refuse to get up and start again.
Jesus, the Good Samaritan will find us, beaten down and feeling broken because of our choice to give in. He will dust us off, bandage our wounds, and once again tell us to follow him.
Taken from “The Life Recovery Devotional” by Stephen Arterburn and David Stoop, page 374 & 375
2020
Batter Up!
We are at the baseball game, the bases are loaded! Bottom of the 9th. Last game of the world series. The score, they are winning by 3 points. One more home run and we win the game. The stadium is at maximum capacity. The crowd is going nuts! Everyone is yelling and screaming in excitement! Then I get up to bat and what happens? A silence falls upon the stadium. The pitcher throws the first ball, Strike 1! The crowd goes crazy! How could he have missed that? Come on pitcher… Throw it right! Then…Silence… the pitcher winds up and…Strike 2! What is this? Come on keep your eye on the ball, the crowd is screaming! This is it… Final throw for the game. Then I step back, look to the sky and in my mind I say, this is it God, if I miss this one, its over. The crowd will boo me, my team is gonna hate me, my career in major league baseball is over. Please be with me, I pray. I step back into the batters box, I look out toward my fellow players on the bases. Looking towards the outfield. I see the perfect spot, it’s in between the center and left outfielders. It’s wide open. That’s where I need to hit the ball. Then, I look at the pitcher. He is winding up, he is about to release the ball. As he does, in slow motion, I’m praying, God, please let me hit this ball. The ball gets closer. God, Ill do anything you want. Just say it! Now it’s even closer. I’m your guy God. Closer! Just please let me hit this ball. About this time, I start forward with my bat. I’m in mid-swing and I screams out to God, Please God Give Me The Strength to Hit it! About that time, the ball is right over the plate, the ball comes in contact with the bat. There is a huge loud Smack! The sound resignate threw the air. I hit it God! Now, I gotta run! God please help me get to first base. I’m almost there, what are they yelling? My coach is screaming at me, what? Go to the next base? Why? Ok, I’m not stopping to ask why. So as I start to second base, I hear him yell, Go Boy Go!. I get to second base and I look down to the coach at the 3rd base. Why is he waving me on? Come on he is saying. Why? Ok, so I keep running. Harder and harder towards 3rd base. I get near third base and I hear him yelling, Keep Going Boy! Keep going!! As I head towards home plate, I see the other teams catcher and umpire looking at me! Why are they staring at me? About this time I notice the crowd is going absolutely crazy. What is going on? Why? As I near home plate, I don’t hear the coach yelling slide? Why? Am I just gonna run across the base? About that time, the other team’s catcher steps back. Oh no, he’s gonna catch the ball and tag me out! Why God? Why did you let me get this far to have me out? Why? About that time I cross home plate. I slow down and listen… What? What are they yelling? What’s on the big score board? Huh? Then I stop and look… HOME RUN? How? I’ve not hit a home run in months, no a couple years! How? Why? What??? My team is running out jumping up and down! Everyone is going absolutely crazy! Then I remembered. I had ask God for help! As they all near me, I drop to my knees, tears by now running down my face and scream out… Thank You God! As I kneel there sobbing, my mind goes back to that day when I was in high school and my Dad had been in a car wreck and he was laying on the hospital bed dying. The doctors had given us no hope that he would survive. I touched my dad’s hand and cried, Please God, Please let my Daddy live. I’ll do anything, just please let him live. I look up, Dad is jumping up and down clapping in the stands. As I stand up, sobbing, I glance to my wife, she is holding our baby girl. The same one that before she was born, the doctors said she would only live maybe a couple minutes, if not seconds. But she is alive and perfectly healthy. I begged and prayed for the last 4 months of the pregnancy, God, Ill do anything, just please let my baby girl live. God Anything! As my team is now lifting me onto their shoulders, my mind flashes to that night that I was flying with my team last week and we went threw the thunderstorm, just about that time, lightening struck our plane. As we began to descend quickly, I remembered, please God, Please don’t let me dye here. I wanna hold my baby girl one more time. About that time, the pilots regained control. As they are carrying me around now, the hero of the night. I look down, the bat I had swung was broke in two. How did that happen? The crowd was not calming down. After awhile, we all walked into the locker room. After I stopped and regained my composure, I yelled out, Hey Guys, Listen Up! As I stood there and shared what had happened and how that God had answered so many prayers in my life. I asked the team to join me in a thankful prayer. We all knelt down and I began to pray. Thank you God … I continued the prayer … Amen. Showers were over, some are walking out of the locker room headed for their cars, when one of my teammates come from behind and takes my arm. Hey Dude. I turned and looked at him. I saw tears in his eyes. I said, Hey man, whats up? So you really believe in this Jesus dude? Yes, I do man. Did he really answer your prayer about your dad back then? Yes he did buddy. Man, I remember all that stuff with your daughter. I thought the doctors just goofed up. It was really him that did it? I looked at him and said, Do you not know this man who saved us last week on the plane? That was him too? Yes, it was. No dude, I don’t. Where do I meet this Jesus Guy? I looked at him and said, Right here man. As we sat down on the bench, I had the opportunity to lead my team mate to Jesus. It turned his life around. He today is a pastor at a church in our town. It was later the next season that he and I both got to tell our stories to the new team mates. Three of them came to know the Lord that day. As I lay here an old man, I look back over my life all these times and I see the number of times that Christ saved my life and allowed me to share Him with others around me. I close my eyes and I hear a voice saying, Well done my good and faithful servant, welcome home.
God, I thank you for my friends and family. I thank you that you have answered so many prayers in my life. You have protected me beyond what anyone can imagine. You are such an awesome God. I pray that my life can be like this man in the story. A testimony of your love, grace and power. Thank you again God for loving and protecting me. In Your Holy Name I Pray, Amen.
2020
5 Prayers for Veterans
Though it began as Armistice Day in 1919 (celebrating the end of World War I), November 11 has been celebrated as Veterans Day in the United States since 1954. Many people observe the day with ceremonies and parades that honor the sacrifice and dedication of those who have served in the armed forces of the United States.
There may be no better way to honor a veteran than in prayer. Whether it is offered in a religious service, or privately, or silently as a parade passes by, or in a personal card or note, prayer can connect you, a veteran and God in a meaningful and productive way.
Here are five specific kinds of prayers you can pray for veterans (or, with a few small changes, for a specific veteran):
1) To Feel Honored
“God, please let every veteran of our nation’s armed forces feel truly and appropriately honored by the attention and appreciation of their fellow citizens. Let no one feel forgotten or neglected. Let every man and woman, young or old, feel the deep and enduring gratitude of our nation and its inhabitants.”
2) To Be Understood
“Father God, You know that it can be difficult for a person who has returned from battle or stressful military service to reintegrate into ‘normal’ everyday life. You know that veterans can feel isolated and alone even in the midst of their friends and families because there are few around who understand their experience. So I ask You to place in the path of our veterans those who do understand (or strive to), that they may feel less alone. Remind them often that while their fellow human beings may never fully comprehend, You see, You know and You identify with them in everything.”
3) To Be Healed
“Lord, You know how deep a warrior’s wounds go. You know the loss that many of our veterans in body and soul. You know the memories that haunt them and the scars that many of them continue to carry. Please bring healing to those veterans who still hurt. Please grant patience and wisdom to those around them who cannot understand but can sometimes help the healing process. Please apply both natural and supernatural medicine to their wounds.”
4) To Be Rewarded
“Father, please turn your gaze to those men and women who in their military service have sacrificed time, comfort, strength, ambition, health and prosperity for the peace and safety of family and friends and others they’ve never even known. Please reward them a hundredfold for all their sacrifice and service. Bless them far beyond all their expectations. Reward them richly for all they have given.”
5) To Know You
“Almighty God, You know every veteran by name. You know their deeds, their hard work, and their perseverance. You know their needs, both material and spiritual. Please draw each one closer to you and grant them all the peace that passes understanding (Philippians 4:7), the peace of Christ to rule in their hearts (Colossians 3:15), and ‘joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand’ forevermore (Psalm 16:11).”
2020
How Election Day Angst Triggers Us
Originally posted by Jay Stringer
If election day angst is triggering your porn use, you’re not alone.
Whether an article by CNN, Fox News, or a cantankerous post against “the other side” from a friend or colleague, there is no shortage of inflammatory election information. We are a nation in deep division and steeped in contemptuous vitriol. No matter who you are voting for (or if you are part of the 35-60 percent of eligible voters who don’t vote in any given election), you may have found yourself resigned to the belief that no matter who wins, we all lose.
Election Day and other important events will naturally intensify anxiety, disappointment, and hope and with it, the spread of porn use. Porn consumption is one of the best metrics of cultural attention we have. If porn use drops across the country, it typically means something nationally significant, like a political event or favorite pastime is occurring. If porn use increases, a significant event likely concluded minutes or hours prior. One example of this was during the 2017 NBA Finals when porn use dropped in the city of Cleveland at the beginning of game 5 and then increased nearly 34% after the Cavaliers lost to the Golden State Warriors.
Insights From The 2016 Election
On November 8th, 2016 Americans were awaiting the results of the election between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. On that day, the leading porn site in the world reported that U.S. traffic increased well beyond normal Tuesday levels, spiking as high as +17% at 9AM.
As election night progressed, porn traffic dropped well below average to –23% at 11PM EST as people around the country became increasingly fixated on their screens for the latest tally of electoral votes. At 2:30AM Eastern, Hillary Clinton conceded the election and porn traffic rapidly rose 10% above average. From 11PM – 2:30AM, pornography increased 33%.
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The Foundation of Our Trust
Our country’s pornography consumption is a mirror to us about the foundations of our trust. When we do not know how to soothe our anxiety, porn offers an easy temporary relief (at the expense of others). When we experience disappointment, we turn to porn to find comfort, reinforcing our belief that life will never get better. In the aftermath of success, many people use porn as a means of self-sabotage because they discover the object of their hope was insufficient as a source of fulfillment. The problems we choose not to face keep us in the same ruts of unwanted sexual behavior year after year and end up fueling the profits of an exploitive sex industry.
This article will explore how pornography exploits our anxiety, feeds on our disappointment, and exposes our false hopes. This election season will give us the opportunity to face our individual and national problems and elect whether or not to take greater responsibility for the words and actions we choose.
Porn Exploits Our Anxiety
If porn data from American history is any teacher, pornography use will begin increasing during the early morning hours of Tuesday, November 3rd 2020 and then gradually fall as we get closer to the final results. The morning of the election, anxiety will intensify, and we will turn to behaviors that give us the opportunity to reestablish control. 2020 has been a year (or has it been a decade?) of seismic shifts in the foundations of our life and many of us are hoping that our candidate will bring some stability to the collective madness of this year. Worse, this year we are unlikely to know the final results of the election for days (or weeks) to come, sustaining a protracted season of anxiety beyond election day.
As we saw with the coronavirus, when we face an uncertain future, porn use will rise. It should be exceedingly clear by now that we do not pursue porn because we long to immerse ourselves in beauty. We pursue porn because it gives us the opportunity to reestablish a lost sense of control. In porn, we are given an opportunity to get exactly what we want, precisely when we want it. Few other behaviors provide us with such an immediate (albeit temporary) reversal of circumstances. Rather than trying to use your mind to fight against using porn this election week, fight to pursue activities that help you engage your body.
We often think about anxiety as a troubling condition within our mind. In reality, anxiety resides far more within our bodies. In fact, the vagus nerve pathway transmits data at a 10:1 ratio from our body up to our brain versus our brain down to our body. Therefore, rather than trying to think or distract our way out of anxiety, we can view anxiety as a signal inviting us to a more embodied life. While most people focus on trying to reduce their anxiety through mental strategies, the more effective approach is to teach your body how to tolerate times in life that are inevitably stressful (practical examples at the end of the article). Anxiety is not your enemy, it is an invitation to kindness and connection.
Porn Feeds on Our Disappointment
After Hillary Clinton conceded the election, women increased their involvement in pornography 10% above normal levels while most men stuck around to watch Donald Trump’s acceptance speech. What we can tell from the election results was that women were anywhere between 12-13 percentage points more likely than men to have voted for Hillary Clinton (54% among women, 41% among men).
Hillary Clinton announced that her election night event would be held at the Javits Convention Center in Manhattan. The venue is built with glass, from top to bottom. One twitter user posted, “The place where Hillary will figuratively shatter the glass ceiling will literally have a glass ceiling.” As you can tell from the language of this post, many women (and men) were certain Senator Clinton would win and experienced a profound sorrow when she lost. Sorrow has to go somewhere and the way many women seemed to metabolize their anger and heartache was through pornography.
With many allegations of sexual assault against women from the 2016 Republican nominee for president, it’s a fair to assume that many women felt so much loss, amplified by the belief that so little would actually change within the glass ceilings of their lives. In the last 4 years President Trump’s ratings with women have continued to weaken and some believe it could cost him this election. With polls showing an even greater percentage of women voting for Joe Biden this year, a President Trump reelection would spell great disappointment for the majority of women across the country.
In facing and anticipating disappointment, we need connection. Sadly, so many of us opt for isolation. No matter who you vote for in 2020, you’ll likely experience some degree of loss. For some, that loss will be associated with your candidate’s defeat. For all of us, it will be the grief of how much civil and political ugliness took place on the journey to (and out of) this year’s election. So on the evening of November 3rd and the days and weeks that follow, the question we would benefit from asking is how can we pursue connection rather than vitriol and isolation in the midst of our grief or celebration? In isolation, we increase the probability of pursuing a pornographic world that leaves us even more severed.
If you do find yourself particularly disappointed this election season, consider the following:
- Give voice to your heartache. Shared grief can be one of the most uniting experiences in a year of perpetual disappointment.
- Remember. Our republic has survived far more turbulent seasons. Consider someone born in 1900. By the age of 39 they would have lived through World War 1, The Spanish Flu, The Great Depression and World War II (among other notable events).
- We have agency. Democracy is dependent more on our behavior toward those who differ than on how candidates behave.
- Intention determines outcome. Set an intention now for how you want to conduct yourself this election week.
Porn Use Exposes False Hopes
In 2016, 138 million people voted. That means tens of millions of individuals experienced victory and tens of millions of individuals experienced disappointment. You might expect that porn use would increase the most in the blue states due to disappointment. The porn data however showed something counterintuitive. Blue states certainly increased their involvement with pornography (+12%). But the largest increase actually came from red states with an increase of 20 percentage points above normal. In 2016, voting for the losing candidate drove porn traffic, but not nearly as much as voting for the winning candidate.
Porn use increases in blue and red states after an election because each of us are confounded by the nature of hope. Hope can influence us to feel disappointment for two very separate reasons. First, when we hope for something but do not receive it, we experience pain. Secondly, when we acquire something we were hoping for, we often realize that we hoped for something far less than what we truly needed. Let’s unpack both the pain and idolatry of hope.
How Hope Can Lead to Pain
There is an ancient Jewish proverb thatsays, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick…” The reason is that we are hope-based beings. Hope is like a beachball that you try to suppress under water. You can exert a lot of energy trying to keep it down, but it’s eventually going to rise to the surface because (in this case) buoyancy beats gravity. When the gravity of disappointment pushes our spirit down, something deep within us feels like we’ve been wronged. When our hope comes back void, we experience pain.
Each election cycle, our country puts its hope in a candidate or political party to conserve or progress American life. When the object (political party) of our hope is not elected, we feel a sickness of heart and find ourselves saying, “The United States will not conserve my desired way of life.” or “The United States will not progress in bringing liberty to those I believe most need it.” Whatever the outcome of the 2020 election may be, it is important to set an intention for how you will engage your pain and redirect your hope to that which an election cannot take away.
When We Hope in The Wrong Things
It is also possible to put too much hope in the wrong things. Whatever we place our hope in can eventually lead to disappointment because we expect the object of our hope to rescue us from misery or make our life complete. Depending on when you were alive in human history you might say, “If we could just appease the angry god, then we wouldn’t suffer so much.” Or “If I just get a good crop…”, or in 2020, “If the right president could just get elected or a vaccine got developed, then…” But of course, that hope never delivers the fulfillment we desire.When we put our hope in something more than it warrants or we make it an ultimate thing, we have made that hope into an idol.
Anytime we idolize something, we’ve outsourced our fulfillment to something that cannot deliver. By default, when our idol loses, we lose too. If we are honest, there are false hopes in nearly every realm of life. Examples include when we hope our romantic partner will help us feel better about ourself, but they end up being far more interested in having their needs met. It happens when we hope a certain salary or occupation will offer us satisfaction, but we end up having no time for the things that matter most. Or when we hope porn will reduce the pain of our loneliness, but it ends up intensifying it. In each of these examples, we lean on a false hope to escape the necessary crucibles that have the potential to mature us. Every false hope, no matter how legitimate it initially appears, is a construction of an idol.
When our hope proves to be insufficient, we enter a two-choice dilemma. Double down on what’s not working or abandon the idol in order to develop a more authentic hope. This election week will corner our nation with the agony of what it means to hope and will offer us the invitation to wean ourselves off of false, unfulfilling hopes. Hope at all and you might experience pain. Hope too small and you will feel duped by whatever it is you receive. Instead of putting your deepest hope in a political candidate, invest in a community that seeks to grow truth, justice, and beauty in your local context.
Election Angst Reveals What Needs to Heal
The problems we face individually and as a country cannot all be blamed exclusively on the election. The 2020 election is revealing the areas of life that await our attention. If we do not have a better solution for our anxious bodies, porn will be there. If we do not connect with others, porn will offer us surrogate companionship in isolation. The problems we face individually and nationally are how we grow. Let’s have integrity in the weeks ahead to love our neighbor and extend kindness to the angst within. Here are five ways to engage the latter.
5 Things You Can Do This Election Week
1.To regulate and tolerate our anxiety, attune to your body. We can do that through pursuing activities that engage the senses such as walking in a peaceful setting, yoga, meditation, cooking a new recipe, singing, and prayer.
2. We can also use our mind to help tame our anxious bodies. Daniel Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine sums this up with the simple and elegant phrase “name it to tame it.” When our thinking and rational brain (cortex) is able to accurately name what the emotional brain (limbic) is feeling, there are soothing neurotransmitters that flow from our cortical brain into our limbic system. For example, when we say out loud, “I am anxious about the 2020 election and what that means for our country,” the naming of our inner world will begin the process of bringing regulation to our nervous system.
3.Talk to a friend or trusted guide (therapist or mentor) about some of the anxiety you’re harboring. Many therapists are now offering sessions online. Go to psychologytoday.com to see therapists in your area who can work with your insurance (if you have it).
4.Ask yourself what might need to heal within you. Compulsive behaviors will intensify during times of crisis. Whether you struggle with an eating disorder, porn, gambling, etc. those issues will become more appealing in times of uncertainty. Unwanted covers how to identify and transform some of the key drivers of every porn struggle.
5. Connect with neighbors to scheme for practical ways to create beauty and belonging on your street or in your neighborhood. You are often far more powerful than you are powerless.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Jay Stringer is a licensed mental health counselor and ordained minister. Jay’s award-winning book Unwanted was based on research on nearly 4,000 people struggling with unwanted sexual behaviors like the use of pornography, extra-marital affairs, and buying sex.
Stringer holds a Masters of Divinity and Masters in Counseling Psychology from the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology and received post-graduate training under Dr. Dan Allender while serving as a Senior Fellow at the Allender Center. Jay lives in New York City with his wife and two children. To learn more about Jay visit his website at www.jay-stringer.com.
1.Statistics and graphs provided from Pornhub insights.
2020
An Open Letter to Those Frustrated by Their Progress in Sanctification
This article is part of the Open Letters series.
Dear friend,
We all love it when life leaps into forward gear and we make all kinds of progress. Problems just seem to fall away. Perhaps in your life you’ve had a season like that, a season when your life seemed to shine and flourish. Maybe it was when you first became a believer or during some period when you were very well nurtured by good community and wise input.
Then there are those seasons where things go very slowly. You wonder, “Is this all there is? Why do I keep struggling with the same old things? I keep losing my temper, or feeling anxious, or being clumsy in relationships . . . ” What vision does God give us for what our lives are supposed to look like, especially when we’re dealing with the long, hard struggle part of being a Christian? Let me say two things.
First, often when we hear the words sanctification, growth, and transformation, we have an idealized image of what that might look like. Though each of us may picture slightly different things, I doubt for most of us that the image includes three quarters of the book of Psalms which portray life where faith and hope happen in the midst of honest struggles—hard struggle, a sense that “I need God to hear me.” Psalm 28, for example, says, “If you don’t hear me, God, I will die!” It is not unusual for life to be difficult. We bump up against things in the world around us that are intimidating or overwhelming or discouraging. We see things within ourselves that we wish would change, but we keep failing in some way. The Psalms are about that. They’re about struggle with hard things in our world and in ourselves. And the Psalms are a window into the heart of Jesus Christ himself. If sanctification means becoming like Christ, then the way we struggle is as much a part of our sanctification as some idealized image of what we hope that we would become. Struggling honestly, actually needing help, is what the Psalms are about.
The Lord is enough. You can go through hard things and not lose your faith.
Second, there are particular kinds of growth and strength that may be happening in our lives that we don’t even see. Jesus’s first four Beatitudes are about needing help: feeling your need, grieving the wrong in the world, submitting to God’s will, hungering for all wrongs to be made right. Living such weakness doesn’t necessarily feel like growth. And the second half of the Beatitudes can also happen in ways that you’re not always aware. The fifth Beatitude says that the merciful are blessed because they’ll receive mercy. In your life—in part because you struggle, in part because you know God’s mercies to you—your heart may be becoming more generous to other people. You have less of a sense of me, me, me, of my rights and prerogatives, what I want to accomplish, that I need to own this piece of turf, need to get credit. You have a growing sense that other people really matter. You can be gracious to them in their shortcomings and their heartaches. Are you gradually decentering off yourself?
And think about the sixth Beatitude, about the pure heart. That means that you go into conversations as less conniving, less fearful, less manipulative, less comparative, less performance oriented. You’re able to simply be truer to what it actually means to care for others. You look out for their interests as well as your own.
Or think about being a peacemaker, the seventh Beatitude. You are less prone to leap into conflict, less prone to be defensively self-righteous when someone criticizes you. You may be changing into a more gracious person, and others see it in you more than you see it in yourself.
Weaving together personal stories, biblical exposition, and theological reflection, David Powlison highlights the personal and particular means God uses to make us more like Jesus.
And, finally, consider the final Beatitude, about persevering and having courage in the face of suffering and difficulty. You’re able—in a deep-down way—to say “It’s okay that life is a long, hard road.” You don’t have to always get your way. Not everybody has to agree with you. You aren’t living for your dreams and your bucket list. The Lord is enough. You can go through hard things and not lose your faith.
Now none of those things—becoming a more generous-hearted person, having more simplicity in the way you approach people, being the one seeking to solve conflict instead of instigate it, and having courage and perseverance—are splashy transformations. They’re just good, quiet, strong, steady fruits of the Lord working in our lives.
I do think that if you add these two things together—realism about the ongoing struggle that makes you actually need the Lord and then contentment with these quiet, unspectacular graces that are about living a human life that’s worth living—then sanctification can, in fact, go forward even when you’re going through a hard patch in life.
—David
Originally posted on: crossway.org
David Powlison (1949–2019) was a teacher, a counselor, and the executive director of the Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation. He received his PhD from the University of Pennsylvania and was also the senior editor of the Journal of Biblical Counseling. He wrote a number of books, including How Does Sanctification Work?; Making All Things New; and God’s Grace in Your Suffering.2020
An Open Letter to the Man Struggling to Form Deep Friendships
This article is part of the Open Letters series.
Brother,
I’ll challenge you in moment, but first, an encouragement: if you are aware that you struggle to forge friendships, then you’re further along than you may feel. Our culture is experiencing a friendship famine—at least in terms of true friendship. Many don’t even realize they’ve been on a starvation diet of deep relationships. So, be heartened that you realize your need. Awareness is progress.
But how do you move forward from here? I’ll share a few things you should know, and a few steps you should take.
First, you need to know that your ache for friendship doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, but that something is right with you. God said that it was “not good” that Adam was alone (Gen. 2:18). The deepest problem in the world is sin, but the first problem was solitude. So, if you want better friendships, of course it’s partly because you’re broken—as we all are—but it’s also, and most deeply, because you’re human. You were made for friendship.
You also need to know that you’re not alone. The truth is, many people feel disconnected or lonely. Data shows a steep decline in close relationships in America. The UK recently appointed a Minister for Loneliness. Rent-a-friend is an increasingly global business. And while social media helps us increase our connections, many of us are still left without any true companions.
Your ache for friendship doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, but that something is right with you.
Finally, you need to know that forging friendship is especially hard for men today. Many of us are mobile—maybe school or relocation for work moved you hundreds of miles from friends. Many of us also don’t build relational margin into our schedules, so we always feel too full for friendship. And as we connect more digitally, we find ourselves connecting less deeply. We can add to all of this that men in our culture find it hard to share deeply or express affection and affirmation. So, mobility, busyness, and technology team up with our relational shortcomings as men to make deep connection quite difficult.
But each one of us can take a step into the lost joys of real friendship. What can you do? More than can, what must you do? I say must because we need to take clear, concrete steps. That’s the only way life will change. And, men, let’s face it: we are often far too passive when it comes to forging friendships. Let’s put the same effort into friendship that we put into sports, family, or working out. Here are five steps.
1. Make this your daily prayer.
Ask the God who orders your life to bring you true friendships—relationships that are marked by affection, truth, and trust. God has always existed in a triune communion of love, and he made you in his image for something of that kind of close companionship. Ask him, directly, to bring a close friend in to your life. And ask him to help you grow as a good friend. Value this enough to make this your daily prayer. It’s that important.
2. Stay flexible and don’t give up.
As you take steps toward people, some may not respond as you wish. One may seem too busy. Another uninterested. Another unresponsive. That’s okay. Stay patient, keep engaging, and especially remember this next suggestion . . .
3. Focus on being a friend more than finding a friend.
Being a good friend requires intentionality and transparency. You can’t expect a good friendship to develop if you’re not ready to initiate conversations and model openness. Make sacrifices to get together with other men. Stare at your schedule until you see how you can reshape it to create some relational margin. And when you talk with other men, plunge down deeper than the surface superficialities.
In all of this, don’t focus so much on finding a friend. Instead, love people well. Lean in and listen to them, talk with them, and encourage them. When you walk into a room, look for the loneliest guy in there. Look for someone who may need a friend.
4. Create relational rhythms.
Sometimes our relationships wither because we don’t cultivate them. What would happen to a garden if we only tended it when it came to mind? Like working the ground, you and I need to create patterns, or habits, for connecting with people. We need to create rhythms for our relationships.
For example, open up your Monday lunch hour every other week to connect with someone. Then open up your Wednesday nights to invite people over or out for good food, drinks, or dessert. When you plan to watch a show, movie, or game on Sunday evenings, invite someone to join you. When you go to your church’s Sunday service, show up 10 minutes early, leave 10 minutes late, and use those minutes to connect with people and set up times to get together in the week.
Exploring a biblical vision of true friendship, this book demonstrates the universal need for friendship, what true friendship really looks like, and how to cultivate deeper relationships.
5. Know that you already have the truest friend.
Everything we wish we had in friendship, but don’t, we can have in Jesus. When the apostle Paul looked back on his life in his last days, he remembered Jesus’s companionship. He remembered how, at a great moment of trial in his life, at his first defense, “no one came to stand by me, but all deserted me” (2 Tim. 4:16). But Jesus stepped in to do what friends should have done for Paul—he stood by him and strengthened him (4:17). Jesus was his truest friend, the one who entered when everyone else left. He is the one who remembers when everyone else forgets.
If you trust Jesus as your Great Friend, moment-by-moment, then you’ll never walk into a room alone again. You won’t need to seek friends as though you don’t have any. You won’t need to keep tweaking your mask to be more likeable to potential friends. Because you already have the friend of the friendless with you. And he knows you, the real you—not the you that tries to win friends by being someone you’re not. And he loves you.
With this friend by your side, you can take a deep breath, walk into that room, and finally focus less on needing a good friend than being a good friend.
May our Great Friend encourage you with the constancy of his companionship, and may he lead you in the next step you need to take to recover the lost joys of real friendship.
Sincerely,
—Drew
Originally Posted on crossways.org
Drew Hunter (MA, Wheaton College) is the teaching pastor at Zionsville Fellowship in Zionsville, Indiana. He is the author of Made for Friendship and the Isaiah and Matthew volumes in the Knowing the Bible series. Drew and his wife, Christina, live in Zionsville, Indiana, and have four children.2020
Stay Salty, My Friends
Woe to you, when all people speak well of you—Luke 6:26
Sooner or later our faith conflicts with friendship. Sooner or later our faith is tested against friendship. You see, the time will come, for each of us, when a friend needs us. He or she will take a dark path (as we all do, sometimes), a path leading away from God. It might be dramatic; it might not. When it happens, though, we’ll face a choice—to speak up and speak truth into his or her life . . . or . . . to ignore what’s going on, avoid conflict, and avoid the risk of forever altering the friendship or even losing it altogether.
The good news is that we’re designed for these kinds of things. We’re the “salt of the earth” (Matthew 5:13). For God gave us “a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7). But, salt can, over time, lose its taste—lose its saltiness. We men lose our saltiness when we choose popularity over truth, passivity over love. The problem is, salt that has lost its taste “is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people’s feet” (Matthew 5:13).
Okay, so what do we do?
When the time comes, before you do anything, make sure you’re being driven not by judgment or resentment or jealousy. If you might be, go no further and simply entrust your friend to God. God’s able to reach your friend by other means. If, however, you’re sure that it’s love that’s driving you, more than anything else, then go ahead and speak. Put your friendship upon the altar and see what God does with it. Do it privately and gently. But be warned, it might not go well. These conversations are tough. That’s okay. Trust God to work it out in the end.
++ BROTHER, ARE YOU READY FOR MORE? ++
The first book in the WiRE Series for Men is called Invention. It’s a practical how-to guide for discovering your true, God-given identity—the man God made you to be and the things he made you to do.
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Originally posted on WireForMen.com by: Justin Camp