2020
How Election Day Angst Triggers Us
Originally posted by Jay Stringer
If election day angst is triggering your porn use, you’re not alone.
Whether an article by CNN, Fox News, or a cantankerous post against “the other side” from a friend or colleague, there is no shortage of inflammatory election information. We are a nation in deep division and steeped in contemptuous vitriol. No matter who you are voting for (or if you are part of the 35-60 percent of eligible voters who don’t vote in any given election), you may have found yourself resigned to the belief that no matter who wins, we all lose.
Election Day and other important events will naturally intensify anxiety, disappointment, and hope and with it, the spread of porn use. Porn consumption is one of the best metrics of cultural attention we have. If porn use drops across the country, it typically means something nationally significant, like a political event or favorite pastime is occurring. If porn use increases, a significant event likely concluded minutes or hours prior. One example of this was during the 2017 NBA Finals when porn use dropped in the city of Cleveland at the beginning of game 5 and then increased nearly 34% after the Cavaliers lost to the Golden State Warriors.
Insights From The 2016 Election
On November 8th, 2016 Americans were awaiting the results of the election between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. On that day, the leading porn site in the world reported that U.S. traffic increased well beyond normal Tuesday levels, spiking as high as +17% at 9AM.
As election night progressed, porn traffic dropped well below average to –23% at 11PM EST as people around the country became increasingly fixated on their screens for the latest tally of electoral votes. At 2:30AM Eastern, Hillary Clinton conceded the election and porn traffic rapidly rose 10% above average. From 11PM – 2:30AM, pornography increased 33%.
1
The Foundation of Our Trust
Our country’s pornography consumption is a mirror to us about the foundations of our trust. When we do not know how to soothe our anxiety, porn offers an easy temporary relief (at the expense of others). When we experience disappointment, we turn to porn to find comfort, reinforcing our belief that life will never get better. In the aftermath of success, many people use porn as a means of self-sabotage because they discover the object of their hope was insufficient as a source of fulfillment. The problems we choose not to face keep us in the same ruts of unwanted sexual behavior year after year and end up fueling the profits of an exploitive sex industry.
This article will explore how pornography exploits our anxiety, feeds on our disappointment, and exposes our false hopes. This election season will give us the opportunity to face our individual and national problems and elect whether or not to take greater responsibility for the words and actions we choose.
Porn Exploits Our Anxiety
If porn data from American history is any teacher, pornography use will begin increasing during the early morning hours of Tuesday, November 3rd 2020 and then gradually fall as we get closer to the final results. The morning of the election, anxiety will intensify, and we will turn to behaviors that give us the opportunity to reestablish control. 2020 has been a year (or has it been a decade?) of seismic shifts in the foundations of our life and many of us are hoping that our candidate will bring some stability to the collective madness of this year. Worse, this year we are unlikely to know the final results of the election for days (or weeks) to come, sustaining a protracted season of anxiety beyond election day.
As we saw with the coronavirus, when we face an uncertain future, porn use will rise. It should be exceedingly clear by now that we do not pursue porn because we long to immerse ourselves in beauty. We pursue porn because it gives us the opportunity to reestablish a lost sense of control. In porn, we are given an opportunity to get exactly what we want, precisely when we want it. Few other behaviors provide us with such an immediate (albeit temporary) reversal of circumstances. Rather than trying to use your mind to fight against using porn this election week, fight to pursue activities that help you engage your body.
We often think about anxiety as a troubling condition within our mind. In reality, anxiety resides far more within our bodies. In fact, the vagus nerve pathway transmits data at a 10:1 ratio from our body up to our brain versus our brain down to our body. Therefore, rather than trying to think or distract our way out of anxiety, we can view anxiety as a signal inviting us to a more embodied life. While most people focus on trying to reduce their anxiety through mental strategies, the more effective approach is to teach your body how to tolerate times in life that are inevitably stressful (practical examples at the end of the article). Anxiety is not your enemy, it is an invitation to kindness and connection.
Porn Feeds on Our Disappointment
After Hillary Clinton conceded the election, women increased their involvement in pornography 10% above normal levels while most men stuck around to watch Donald Trump’s acceptance speech. What we can tell from the election results was that women were anywhere between 12-13 percentage points more likely than men to have voted for Hillary Clinton (54% among women, 41% among men).
Hillary Clinton announced that her election night event would be held at the Javits Convention Center in Manhattan. The venue is built with glass, from top to bottom. One twitter user posted, “The place where Hillary will figuratively shatter the glass ceiling will literally have a glass ceiling.” As you can tell from the language of this post, many women (and men) were certain Senator Clinton would win and experienced a profound sorrow when she lost. Sorrow has to go somewhere and the way many women seemed to metabolize their anger and heartache was through pornography.
With many allegations of sexual assault against women from the 2016 Republican nominee for president, it’s a fair to assume that many women felt so much loss, amplified by the belief that so little would actually change within the glass ceilings of their lives. In the last 4 years President Trump’s ratings with women have continued to weaken and some believe it could cost him this election. With polls showing an even greater percentage of women voting for Joe Biden this year, a President Trump reelection would spell great disappointment for the majority of women across the country.
In facing and anticipating disappointment, we need connection. Sadly, so many of us opt for isolation. No matter who you vote for in 2020, you’ll likely experience some degree of loss. For some, that loss will be associated with your candidate’s defeat. For all of us, it will be the grief of how much civil and political ugliness took place on the journey to (and out of) this year’s election. So on the evening of November 3rd and the days and weeks that follow, the question we would benefit from asking is how can we pursue connection rather than vitriol and isolation in the midst of our grief or celebration? In isolation, we increase the probability of pursuing a pornographic world that leaves us even more severed.
If you do find yourself particularly disappointed this election season, consider the following:
- Give voice to your heartache. Shared grief can be one of the most uniting experiences in a year of perpetual disappointment.
- Remember. Our republic has survived far more turbulent seasons. Consider someone born in 1900. By the age of 39 they would have lived through World War 1, The Spanish Flu, The Great Depression and World War II (among other notable events).
- We have agency. Democracy is dependent more on our behavior toward those who differ than on how candidates behave.
- Intention determines outcome. Set an intention now for how you want to conduct yourself this election week.
Porn Use Exposes False Hopes
In 2016, 138 million people voted. That means tens of millions of individuals experienced victory and tens of millions of individuals experienced disappointment. You might expect that porn use would increase the most in the blue states due to disappointment. The porn data however showed something counterintuitive. Blue states certainly increased their involvement with pornography (+12%). But the largest increase actually came from red states with an increase of 20 percentage points above normal. In 2016, voting for the losing candidate drove porn traffic, but not nearly as much as voting for the winning candidate.
Porn use increases in blue and red states after an election because each of us are confounded by the nature of hope. Hope can influence us to feel disappointment for two very separate reasons. First, when we hope for something but do not receive it, we experience pain. Secondly, when we acquire something we were hoping for, we often realize that we hoped for something far less than what we truly needed. Let’s unpack both the pain and idolatry of hope.
How Hope Can Lead to Pain
There is an ancient Jewish proverb thatsays, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick…” The reason is that we are hope-based beings. Hope is like a beachball that you try to suppress under water. You can exert a lot of energy trying to keep it down, but it’s eventually going to rise to the surface because (in this case) buoyancy beats gravity. When the gravity of disappointment pushes our spirit down, something deep within us feels like we’ve been wronged. When our hope comes back void, we experience pain.
Each election cycle, our country puts its hope in a candidate or political party to conserve or progress American life. When the object (political party) of our hope is not elected, we feel a sickness of heart and find ourselves saying, “The United States will not conserve my desired way of life.” or “The United States will not progress in bringing liberty to those I believe most need it.” Whatever the outcome of the 2020 election may be, it is important to set an intention for how you will engage your pain and redirect your hope to that which an election cannot take away.
When We Hope in The Wrong Things
It is also possible to put too much hope in the wrong things. Whatever we place our hope in can eventually lead to disappointment because we expect the object of our hope to rescue us from misery or make our life complete. Depending on when you were alive in human history you might say, “If we could just appease the angry god, then we wouldn’t suffer so much.” Or “If I just get a good crop…”, or in 2020, “If the right president could just get elected or a vaccine got developed, then…” But of course, that hope never delivers the fulfillment we desire.When we put our hope in something more than it warrants or we make it an ultimate thing, we have made that hope into an idol.
Anytime we idolize something, we’ve outsourced our fulfillment to something that cannot deliver. By default, when our idol loses, we lose too. If we are honest, there are false hopes in nearly every realm of life. Examples include when we hope our romantic partner will help us feel better about ourself, but they end up being far more interested in having their needs met. It happens when we hope a certain salary or occupation will offer us satisfaction, but we end up having no time for the things that matter most. Or when we hope porn will reduce the pain of our loneliness, but it ends up intensifying it. In each of these examples, we lean on a false hope to escape the necessary crucibles that have the potential to mature us. Every false hope, no matter how legitimate it initially appears, is a construction of an idol.
When our hope proves to be insufficient, we enter a two-choice dilemma. Double down on what’s not working or abandon the idol in order to develop a more authentic hope. This election week will corner our nation with the agony of what it means to hope and will offer us the invitation to wean ourselves off of false, unfulfilling hopes. Hope at all and you might experience pain. Hope too small and you will feel duped by whatever it is you receive. Instead of putting your deepest hope in a political candidate, invest in a community that seeks to grow truth, justice, and beauty in your local context.
Election Angst Reveals What Needs to Heal
The problems we face individually and as a country cannot all be blamed exclusively on the election. The 2020 election is revealing the areas of life that await our attention. If we do not have a better solution for our anxious bodies, porn will be there. If we do not connect with others, porn will offer us surrogate companionship in isolation. The problems we face individually and nationally are how we grow. Let’s have integrity in the weeks ahead to love our neighbor and extend kindness to the angst within. Here are five ways to engage the latter.
5 Things You Can Do This Election Week
1.To regulate and tolerate our anxiety, attune to your body. We can do that through pursuing activities that engage the senses such as walking in a peaceful setting, yoga, meditation, cooking a new recipe, singing, and prayer.
2. We can also use our mind to help tame our anxious bodies. Daniel Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine sums this up with the simple and elegant phrase “name it to tame it.” When our thinking and rational brain (cortex) is able to accurately name what the emotional brain (limbic) is feeling, there are soothing neurotransmitters that flow from our cortical brain into our limbic system. For example, when we say out loud, “I am anxious about the 2020 election and what that means for our country,” the naming of our inner world will begin the process of bringing regulation to our nervous system.
3.Talk to a friend or trusted guide (therapist or mentor) about some of the anxiety you’re harboring. Many therapists are now offering sessions online. Go to psychologytoday.com to see therapists in your area who can work with your insurance (if you have it).
4.Ask yourself what might need to heal within you. Compulsive behaviors will intensify during times of crisis. Whether you struggle with an eating disorder, porn, gambling, etc. those issues will become more appealing in times of uncertainty. Unwanted covers how to identify and transform some of the key drivers of every porn struggle.
5. Connect with neighbors to scheme for practical ways to create beauty and belonging on your street or in your neighborhood. You are often far more powerful than you are powerless.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Jay Stringer is a licensed mental health counselor and ordained minister. Jay’s award-winning book Unwanted was based on research on nearly 4,000 people struggling with unwanted sexual behaviors like the use of pornography, extra-marital affairs, and buying sex.
Stringer holds a Masters of Divinity and Masters in Counseling Psychology from the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology and received post-graduate training under Dr. Dan Allender while serving as a Senior Fellow at the Allender Center. Jay lives in New York City with his wife and two children. To learn more about Jay visit his website at www.jay-stringer.com.
1.Statistics and graphs provided from Pornhub insights.
2020
Encouragement!
Hello Daniel I hope this finds you doing well!
Thank you so much for thinking of me, I wanted to write an email of encouragement for you and your guys.
The first thing I want to say is well done! Getting into a group of honest men, all focused on overcoming the things of the past and becoming a victor not a victim!
Having a community is so important and surrounding yourself with like minded people brings about the accountability and encouragement you need to overcome.
Pursuing Jesus above all is the greatest honor I have ever had in my life, it has given me peace, given me strength and brought clarity to my life when i was confused, lost and without identity.
You see I was exposed to pornography at the age of 6 years old and from that moment it planted a seed in me that would hold me in bondage for another 20 years.
It intensified throughout highschool and into college and trickled over into post college. It became my crutch to feeling something and escaping from reality. It had my mind consumed and my body having complete control over me.
It wasn’t until I rededicated my life to Jesus, that I started to have clarity in who I was, how valuable women are, and how freedom truly felt and how bondage can be lifted in an instant.
I can tell you that after I rededicated my life to Jesus the temptation went away. And I can stand here today being porn free and having peace and freedom only Jesus can give.
I decided at that moment that I was going to choose to pursue Jesus over everything else and learning that God didn’t create us for our bodies to control us. He created us so that we can control our bodies.
You see I used to feel helpless and entrapped in my habits and emotions. I believed the lie that what my body feels is truth and i am only following what is true.
But as the Lord has shown me and by the power of his Holy Spirit I have learned that I am more than a conqueror and the peace of God which surpasses all human understanding will guard my HEART and MIND.
When I allow God to be the center of my heart he protects me, he leads me and he restores me. This is available to every human being on earth.
God is no respecter of persons and he wishes no one to perish but all to come to the knowledge of the truth.
So wherever you are today, know this, when you CHOOSE to follow Jesus he will always lead you to the freedom only his children have access too.
No matter how you are feeling right now, what you have struggled with or are continuing to struggle with Jesus is right there willing to step in for you.
Repent of that action, put on the full armour of God and walk in the authority Jesus died on the cross for.
We have the greatest helper on this earth, the Holy Spirit. He will guide you, he will convict you and he will help you overcome.
The future of your family depends on it, the future of your freedom depends on it and your testimony to help lead others to freedom requires it.
Stand tall, fight for yourself and know the God of the universe is walking with you!
WHOM THE SON SETS FREE IS FREE INDEED
Josh
2020
Blew It Again?
Written by Joe Dallas, Originally posted at joedallas.com Used with permission [2]
Day has begun and I’m already sinning Help me to change this heart that I have Lord, help me taste of the grace that You’re giving. I want to be a spiritual man. “Let the Old Man Die” lyrics by Chuck Butler
Every one of us struggles with something. Some of us relapse into that “something.” Afterwards, how we handle the relapse will have a lot to do with our future successes or failures.
To struggle is to have temptations, sometimes towards one particular life-dominating sin. You knew the type. It’s usually some bodily pleasure that we’ve discovered, then returned to, and then, after years of repetition, we’ve established as a pattern.
Overeating, porn, smoking, gambling, and drug abuse are all pretty good examples. What we discover we incorporate, and what we incorporate becomes predictable – a regular, often destructive part of our routine.
Predictable, that is, until God puts His finger on that part of your life. That’s when He calls you to repentance, and when that happens, a new standard gets birthed.
Suddenly, what you used to allow is unacceptable, and abstaining from that “something” is a new mandate. New standards of what we do or don’t allow are sure to follow anytime we say “yes” when God says “this has to go.” That’s part of discipleship living.
But to say “God has called me to stop doing this” is also a way of saying “I’m committed to resisting the desire to keep on doing it.” Sometimes the desire is resisted successfully; sometimes not. And that opens up the possibility
of relapse.
Relapse happens when you return to a behavior you renounced. It’s often called “breaking sobriety” because it means you broke a commitment to abstain from something addictive; some would also call it a backslide. But whatever name the relapse rose goes by it smells just as bad, and is a thing to be avoided, guarded against, but also prepared for. It’s somewhat like John’s interesting statement about sin:
These things I write unto you that you sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ, the righteous. I John 2:1
Clearly John wasn’t saying it’s OK to sin. But he was saying that if you do, you have an advocate. Likewise, when you commit to abstaining from porn, fornication, drunkenness or gluttony, you don’t by any means have to relapse. You can stay clean; there’s no reason to return to those behaviors.
But if you do, you have an advocate with the Father who will cleanse and restore you. In that vein, let me offer a few immediate steps to take if, God forbid, you should relapse.
1. Notify
Decide now who’d you’d call if you relapsed. In most cases an accountability partner is your best bet (and if you’re committed to abstaining from an addictive behavior, then an accountability partner really is a must!) since he works with you weekly and you’re probably in regular contact with him.
But a trusted friend or member of your church will also be a good choice, or perhaps a pastor or counselor. What matters is that you know who to call and what number to use, and that you call him immediately. Tell him you relapsed, and that you’ll need his prayers and support. If you have a severe crises situation, meet with him ASAP.
2. Identify
With the help of whoever you notify, figure out what went wrong. Usually people relapse because they slacked off on their prayer life, scripture reading, fellowship or accountability.
But there may be other reasons, so spend time exploring what you were doing before the relapse, what you could have done differently, and what you’ll do differently in the future to prevent this from happening again. Human error is a terrific textbook, so you may as well use it.
3. Move It!
Get back on the saddle immediately, because you’ll accomplish nothing by wallowing in grief over your relapse, and there’s no reason to delay beginning again. If you refuse to start over, you’re yielding to a more severe, deadlier sin than relapse: despair. Sin is something you can repent of, but despair? Yield to that, and you’re really finished.
Don’t be. Relapse is a temporary set-back; despair is the end.
You’re protecting a treasure when you guard your purity, so apply yourself to its longevity the way you’d protect a valuable antique or piece of jewelry. Recognizing its worth, you work both to keep it, and keep it in its best possible shape.
The freedom of godliness, likewise, is a purposeful, challenging, exciting way to live, and keeping the ball in play is worth all the blood, sweat and tears a committed athlete has to shed.
So move ahead today in the power of gratitude for God’s grace, and let it manifest in the smallest and largest areas of your life.
2020
Is It Possible To Break Free?
Originally on Covenant Eyes 40 Day Challenge
People often ask if it’s truly possible to be free from porn. They may feel they’ve tried everything and are beginning to despair. They may believe recovery isn’t possible, at least not for them.
Still, freedom from porn is possible. We know this for two reasons:
- Many Covenant Eyes members have been there and felt the same way, but have since found lasting recovery.
- For Christians, no matter how entrenched in porn you are, God’s grace is bigger, and He is able to do more than we can ever hope or imagine.
Before we engage in practical steps, we need to keep in mind these three important truths in order to even begin battling porn addiction effectively.
1. You should think about sex.
Australian author Frank Sheed wrote that modern man practically never thinks about sex. He might dream about it, joke about it, write songs about it—but he doesn’t think about it.
What is the nature of sex? What is its purpose?
Sex wasn’t invented by the porn industry. It was warped and distorted by it.
The purpose of sex is found in the first commandment in the Bible from God to humanity. “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the face of the earth” (Genesis 1:28). Sex is a good thing—a sacred thing. And so is sexual desire.
Christianity does not want the annihilation of sexual desire. It’s about the reorientation of it for the sake of love. Many people get confused because they think that strong sexual desire is the same thing as lust. It’s not. Sexual desire is a God-given gift which should propel us to make a gift of ourselves to our spouse. Lust, on the other hand, doesn’t propel us to give—it compels us to take.
Love says, “This is my body, given up for you.” Lust says the opposite: “This is your body, taken by me.”
2. Freedom is one day at a time.
If you view freedom from porn as a destination, you’ll almost certainly remain disappointed. Freedom is not so much a destination we reach as it is a daily decision we make. Freedom is one day at a time.
Your goal today is not, “Okay, I’ll never look at porn again!” Instead, it’s, “Today I resolve to be the person God made me to be, and one thing that means is this: today I will not get sucked into lust and pornography.”
As Jesus said: don’t worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Real freedom is a lifetime of todays: moment-by-moment choices.
3. You should struggle with the temptation to look at porn.
Many Christians seem to think that the word “struggle” is synonymous with “give into.” We hear people say, “I’ve been struggling with porn,” and we assume they mean “I’ve been giving into porn”—and that is what they mean. But struggle doesn’t mean “give into.” In fact, it means the opposite. It means “to contend with an adversary or opposing force.”
So from that perspective, we can say, “If you are tempted to view pornography, we hope you struggle with it, since the only other alternative is to just give in.”
When we struggle, when we “contend with an adversary or opposing force,” we grow stronger. When we struggle with pornography we grow in virtue. It’s not just the virtue of purity we grow in, we grow in other virtues as well: moral courage, patience, humility, and self-mastery.
If you struggle with pornography, recognize that you have an opportunity—an opportunity to tap into a massive outpouring of God’s grace.
People often ask if it’s truly possible to be free from porn. They may feel they’ve tried everything and are beginning to despair. They may believe recovery isn’t possible, at least not for them.
Still, freedom from porn is possible. We know this for two reasons:
- Many Covenant Eyes members have been there and felt the same way, but have since found lasting recovery.
- For Christians, no matter how entrenched in porn you are, God’s grace is bigger, and He is able to do more than we can ever hope or imagine.
Before we engage in practical steps, we need to keep in mind these three important truths in order to even begin battling porn addiction effectively.
2020
Porn and Perfection
Written by Joe Dallas, Originally posted at joedallas.com Used with permission [2]
“I don’t want realism. I want magic! Yes, yes, magic! I try to give that to people. I misrepresent things to them. I don’t tell the truth, I tell what ought to be truth. And if that is sinful, then let me be damned for it!” – from A Streetcar Named Desire by Tennessee Williams
The power of porn may not just be its explicit content. It may also be its capacity to take the viewer into another world.
Porn’s a place where bodies and people are perfect, where imaginary lovers comply with every wish, and where the scene created perfectly matches the deepest desires of the viewer. It’s a perfect and perfectly destructive world, and it’s the stuff both horror and heartbreak are made of.
Life on My Own Terms
Novelist Ira Levin tapped into the horror of it in his fantasy drama The Stepford Wives, a dark essay on chauvinism in which a New England town is inhabited by men who’ve perfected the art of re-creating their wives into compliant, flawless and utterly lifeless beings who live only to please
their husbands.
The procedure involves creating a replication of the wife looking and behaving exactly as she does minus anything the husband dislikes. Then the wife is killed, of course, to make room for her new and improved model. When the main character in the story discovers Stepford’s secret, she asks the leader of the town the obvious question: Why?
His answer is chilling in its simplicity.
“Because we can. If we can have you any way we want, why should we settle for you as you are?”
There’s the horror of married men and porn – that a man would betray the real woman who loves him so that he can indulge in a phantom figure that doesn’t even know him.
But there’s heartache along with the horror, lying in the number of men who’ve gotten hooked on the Stepford Syndrome, taking time, focus and sexual energy away from their wives and investing it in images that are perfect, exciting, and utterly unreal. CS Lewis described the issue decades ago when he wrote:
For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete his own personality in that of another and turns it back; sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides.
And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no woman can rival.
Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover; no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself.
Mirage, Not Marriage
Ironically, however convenient it may be to skip the efforts involved in normal intimacy and instead settle for the cheap substitute of these ‘shadowy brides,’ the fact remains that the genuine needs of the soul cannot be met by Stepford Women. They offer no emotional support, provide no reliable nurturing, and have no partnering capacities whatsoever. Like the junk food some people eat in hopes of meeting their hunger needs, they supply a quick rush with no follow through, leaving the consumer hungry for more of what didn’t satisfy to begin with.
The husband using porn is ripping off both his spouse and himself.
Plenty of men have realized that, repented, and stayed on course. On the one hand, that’s something to cheer about. On the other, let’s look at it in light of what Christians in other nations, and other times, have suffered for the gospel, Saying no to porn is the right thing to do, but please don’t confuse it with martyrdom.
So when images beckon from all sides, and when memory of a quick pleasure derived from porn conveniently omits the aftermath of shame and hurt, I hope we’ll remember the real love and support that outweighs and outdoes the unreal hands down, slam dunk. With that in mind, we can consistently and resoundingly say No to the unreal and Hallelujah! for the real.
2020
Marriage and the Power of Porn
by: David E. Longacre
Marriage Under Attack
Christian marriage is under attack on many fronts. One is the abandonment by spouses of time with each other due to work, children’s activities, and even commitments to the church. Other fronts are the ever-changing role expectations in the culture, and even the need for both spouses to work because of economic burdens resulting from poor financial planning and accumulated debts.
It is often easy for couples to talk to friends about these problems. It is easy to relate how we wish we had more time for each other and for devotions together. It is easy to relate how we are sick of working so much to pay the bills. It is socially acceptable to have these types of problems. Talking about them even eightens our sense of personal piety – we reassure ourselves that at least we desire a better Christian life.
Yet there is a very real and spreading problem in Christian marriages which is not being openly discussed. It is hiding in the shadows. It is one which Christians are too embarrassed to mention for fear of the shame it might bring. It is the problem of sexual sin. American Christians live in a sexsaturated culture. Our society daily bombards believers with images of beauty and sex. From billboards to magazine covers, there is no escaping the rising flood of sensuality. Even the record-breaking PG-13 movie Titanic had nudity and implied fornication in it. Moral standards are being continually lowered and, as a result, marriage and family are being greatly affected.
With the advent of the Internet, individuals are now capable of accessing the worst types of hard-core pornography in the secrecy of their homes. The statistics are startling. The Internet has over 150,000 porn sites, with 200 new sites added (on average) every day. Now individuals who would never think of going to the “seedy” section of town, can click the mouse a few times and see, download, and even interact with sexually explicit materials. Secrecy is easy to achieve, with the only “paper trail” being a credit card number. For those who are too timid to even let that out, there are all sorts of free sites designed to allure and draw people in. Individuals can get sexually explicit materials into their homes without their spouses having a clue. Once someone is lured into pornography there follows the erosion and eventual destruction of the marriage and family. Single people can be corrupted to the point where their prospects of pure and healthy marital relationships are seriously impaired.
Why Sexual Sin is so Damaging
The reason that sexual sin is so destructive to marriage is that it strikes at the relational core of a couple. When God created Adam and Eve they were created for sexual intimacy as well as to work together to accomplish their calling. Jesus, quoting Genesis 2:24, states that a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife, (Matthew 19:4-6). While this has emotional aspects, the word “cleave” carries with it a sexual allusion. The man joins physically with his wife, and they become “one flesh.” It is significant that it was only after the Fall that Adam and Eve became embarrassed by their lack of clothes.
Speaking to men, but with a principle applicable to women, Proverbs 5:18-19 states, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love,” (NAB). This passage clearly points to the pleasures of sex, and it is obvious that this verse is not telling the husband to let her intellect satisfy him. Surely Proverbs 31 does point to other critical characteristics of a good wife, but we must never neglect the Biblical admonitions to enjoy sexual contact with our spouses. The Biblical love poem Song of Solomon is quite graphic in its description of sexual interaction in marriage – showing both the wife and husband sexually desiring one another. The Apostle Paul clearly states in I Corinthians 7:2-5 that husbands and wives are to enjoy each other and not deprive each other sexual pleasure.
The point of all this? That God created and values sexual pleasure within marriage. It is a foundational expression of intimacy. It is also a critical spot for Satan to corrupt and thus destroy a marriage. There can be no doubt that sex outside of marriage is sin and forbidden, (Exodus 20:14), yet people reason that pornography is different since they do not actually engage in physical sexual contact outside of marriage. This is clearly a rationalization. People involved with pornography are still sinning through lust. Jesus’ statement in Matthew 5:27-28 about adultery in the heart speaks directly to this issue. Lust is sin, whether it be acted on or not.
A very real danger which follows from this is that sexual sin is progressive and enslaving. It is significant that Psalms 101:3 states that if we look on impure things they will reach out and grab us. This means that looking on something like pornography enables it to actually reach out and clutch a hold on us. The Bible is saying pornography has an actual power over people. Proverbs 7:22 describes the sexually sinning man as one in chains. Sexual sin is a form of bondage.
The way this occurs is that using pornography inevitably leads to further sin. There is a Law of Diminishing Returns that occurs. Images which once satisfied the desires of the viewer become boring, and there is a temptation for more graphic images. This leads the viewer down the road from pictures of partial nudity to pictures of certain sex acts. When these images no longer satisfy, the viewer is tempted to seek out other images or even get gratification from “real” people. This bridges the gap from pornography to adult clubs and prostitutes. The Law of Diminishing Returns explains how a man can start out being satisfied by looking at partly-clad women on a web-site, and end up involved in illegal activities.
Pornography distorts and corrupts the attitudes of the viewer slowly but surely, and this obviously impacts on the relationship with the spouse. The spouse is perceived as either someone there simply to satisfy sexual needs, or as someone incapable of satisfying such needs. The spouse is no longer seen as a creation of God and a person to be loved. The spouse is rejected, and often a victim of verbal, physical and sexual abuse. Once the relationship has hit this point, the use of pornography is hard to conceal. Tragically, by this time families are often destroyed and marriages left in ruins.
Even before this happens, sexual sin becomes in many people’s lives what an old Puritan referred to as a sin of dominion, (Obadiah Sedgwick, Anatomy of Secret Sins, reprinted by Soli Deo Gloria, 1995, pp. 130-228). People can be so dominated and controlled by a sin, that they feel like they have no control over their actions. Individuals feel trapped and helpless. Individuals feel the chains of bondage.
Since this slavery is at the core of the being, it cannot be defeated simply by a human promise or a prayer. This is why it seems like faith fails the person who is struggling with sexual sin. Instead of a quick-fix, there is a serious need for a deep healing work of God’s grace. This requires, among many things, confession, accountability and counseling from a more mature fellow believer, (Matthew 18: 15-20; Galatians 6:1-5; James 5:16).
God promises in the Bible to transform us “by the renewing of the mind” (Romans 12:2). This can only happen as those struggling with sexual sin openly discuss it with their spouses along with the help of Christian counselors. As long as the sin remains hidden, it will grow and strengthen its grip. The need for early intervention seems clear.
Some Practical Hints:
The problem with early intervention is that sexual sin is so easy to conceal in its early stages. Often the sin is hidden and not even suspected. It is therefore important that spouses have open and honest discussions of these issues. Such discussions can reveal the sin, as well as the problems and dangers which go with it, before things get to a destructive level.
Since the nature of this type of sin is that it is hidden and secretive, wives may want to be aware of some warning signs. Concerning the Internet in particular, one warning sign is if he prefers to be alone when on the web, or if he seems to quickly click the mouse to change the screen when someone walks into the room. In general, a significant change in routine or temperament may also be a warning sign of secret sin. Be very alert to any gaps in accountability regarding time and finances. A husband ought to be able to account specifically for his time and money, and an unwillingness to do so is cause for concern.
Though no wife should be burdened with the role of “watchdog” or “caretaker,” a wife should not be afraid to come out and simply ask her husband if he is looking at pornography or is involved in other sexual sin. She should watch his reaction for clues such as righteous indignation, anger, carefully phrased responses, or even just a blush. If the question is asked with a display of genuine concern for his spiritual well-being, and not as an accusation, then a
husband ought to respond in love. Any attempt to dodge or deflect the question reveals the presence of some degree of sexual sin. If a wife fears even raising such a question, then the couple needs to seek the counsel of their pastor. Neither spouse should allow physical or verbal abuse to occur; sometimes outside intervention is necessary. Indeed, intervention is a Biblical command (Matthew 18:15-20).
Another important thing for a wife to remember is that she is not at fault if her husband is involved in sexual sin. His decisions are his decisions. She did not force him to sin, yet often a man will accuse his wife of not fulfilling his needs, even quoting I Corinthians 7:1-5. Sexual sin is not the result of a lack of sex, it is a distortion of sex. Underlying it is often a need for control, power, and escape. While a wife can do much to help her husband who is struggling, she should not
believe any attempt by him to shift the blame to her. Blameshifting goes back to Adam and Eve, and must be resisted. Repentance is a necessary step to freedom from bondage of sin, and repentance cannot fully take place if blame is being shifted. Excuses do not reflect a repentant heart.
If you are a man struggling with pornography, here are some specific things you can do:
First, seek out a Christian brother with whom you can share your struggles. You need to confess your sins to someone (James 5:16) and be held accountable by someone (Galatians 6:1-2). This particular sin is not one which anyone can stand against alone. The very secretive nature of it makes it impossible to be defeated in secret – other people must be involved.
Second, Romans 13:14 speaks of making no opportunities for the flesh. You must disconnect the Internet or get a server which screens against pornography. (Having a Program Coordinator based “Net Nanny” is inadequate because most users can find ways to disable them.) In general, you will also need to consciously change the places you go to and what you do so that you can avoid temptation. Remember we often set ourselves up for sin before we sin by choosing to place ourselves in tempting situations. The Bible says to, “Flee sexual immorality” (I Corinthians 6:18).
Third, become involved in an accountability and support group like Harvest’s Crossroads group. This provides accountability as mentioned above, and also is an opportunity to study what God has to say about sexuality, intimacy, and issues of the heart. It is crucial that those who struggle with sexual sin and pornography learn to think Biblically about themselves, women and God. The Bible states we are transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2). Part of the power of sexual sin is that we do not understand why we are so allured by it and how it enslaves us.
Conclusion
Both husbands and wives need to be alert to the sexual dangers inherent in living in modern America. They need to be willing to talk openly about their struggles, needs and disappointments. They need to be willing to look deeply at motivations and past events that affect their relationship with each other. Since sexual sin is so dangerous and powerful, it is something which must be dealt with openly—with the help of a few trusted Christian friends.
Christian couples dare not keep sexual sin hidden in the shadows. It will only get worse and destroy the family. Until individuals and couples work through the bondage issues and face their own sin-nature, patterns of sexual sin will continue to dominate their lives and destroy their marriages. The hope of the Gospel is that in Christ we can find restoration, reconciliation and victory. There is hope for deep change and profound healing through the power of Jesus Christ.
Reprinted with permission from Harvest News, a quarterly publication of Harvest USA.
HARVEST USA National Office
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2020
2020
Fully Known in Healthy Relationships
We need authenticity, within healthy relationships, to find the freedom to become the people God wants us to be.
A few years ago, Josh McDowell rallied our ministry speaking team when he sat us down with his friend, Dr. Henry Cloud, a giant in the counseling world. You might have seen Dr. Cloud’s name on the back of one of his many internationally best-selling books, including his Boundaries series.
As Dr. Cloud notes in his book Changes That Heal, “Every week I see Christians who are suffering from a whole range of emotional problems: anxiety, loneliness, grief over broken relationships, resentment, and feelings of inadequacy. Often they have been struggling with these problems for years. They are people in pain.”
Some — myself, included — learn to hide that pain so well, for years, that no one sees it. Even though it’s at the forefront of our minds every minute. And every single one of those minutes, we live in fear that we’ll be discovered.
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For 50+ years, Josh McDowell Ministry has been leading seekers into a deeper knowledge of God’s truth and power. We offer you our accumulated knowledge and research to help you find truth and encouragement to live a healthy and whole life in Christ.
We’re Designed for Relationships
As Dr. Cloud taught us about developing healthy relationships, he offered us a biblical model for addressing these struggles. He really opened our minds with his research, knowledge, and wisdom. But what impacted me most during our time together was the realization of how much he cares for individuals, even me.
Nearing the end of our training session, Dr. Cloud handed each of us a book titled The Power of the Other. He told us it would be a game-changer, if we read it. When I later opened the book, I was confronted with this statement:
“There was only one thing that brought about change… the relationship. What actually brings about change in people, and the cure, is the relationship.”
This statement is super important, because it is foundational. The bottom line: For someone to speak into our life, we first need to feel that they care. We can choose from the best resources, books, and tools, to “fix” ourselves, but in the end, the curative force that helps us change is healthy relationships. People who care about us. People willing to offer us companionship — and grace.
“Truth is an ingredient necessary for growing in the image of God. But we also need grace.” ~ Dr. Henry Cloud
Think about your hobbies. Maybe you’re into surfing, skiing, video games, or board games. Sure, these are fun to do alone. But I know that I would way rather surf with my friends than surf alone. Doing things with my friends fulfills me because we are enjoying them together. Even if we’re in an unexpected period of “social distancing” like we find ourselves in now, we still need relationships.
At the core of our being, I think we all know this: we crave connection. Even the most introverted or antisocial among us need connection. Do you know someone who doesn’t particularly like people, but has one or more pets? They are meeting their need for connection.
The Bible gives a pretty good explanation for why we crave relationships with others. Simply put, Genesis 1 tells us that we have been created for intimacy with God. Genesis 2 adds that we also are created for intimacy with others.
But here’s the catch: relationships only work when they are healthy. Lying and manipulating both stress and hurt relationships. But in healthy relationships, authenticity, vulnerability, intimacy, and selflessness bring us closer together. In healthy relationships we are able to identify and deal with our emotions. In healthy relationships, we are able to work through our pain. In healthy relationships we are able to share our hidden parts of ourselves, guided by the Holy Spirit.
The Weight of Disconnection
One of the points Dr. Cloud shared with our team is that our hearts have two basic desires: to be fully known and fully loved. I really love what Dr. Timothy Keller, a renowned speaker and pastor in New York City, says about the joy of being fully known:
“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”
When we are lost in addiction, loneliness, and pain, we feel the weight of disconnection. When we are not fully known or fully loved within healthy relationships, we feel the weight of disconnect. I personally struggled with this disconnect for 11 years, when I was addicted to pornography.
While on the outside I appeared to have it all together, I was hurting and wounded on the inside. I desperately hid this part of myself — even from my family who love me so much — because I was afraid of being rejected.
I want you to ponder this statement for a minute, until it really sinks in: When you are 99 percent known, but still 1 percent unknown, you are fully unknown.
“But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.” ~ Dr. Timothy Keller
Living in Our 1 Percent
When I first heard this concept from Matt Chandler, pastor of The Village Church in Dallas, Texas, I was skeptical of its truth. But as I compared it with my personal experience, and the experience of others that I know, I realized that it is valid.
If you are skeptical, here’s the bottom line: It’s not so much about the percentage, but the principle of the statement. When we don’t feel fully known, we don’t feel fully loved or accepted.
For years I shared most of my life with others. But I hid my addiction to pornography, which prevented anyone from fully knowing me. I was consumed with guilt and shame, but I learned to act like everything was okay. It took so much effort. And kept me in fear.
I filtered everything through that guilt and shame. When someone would compliment me on something, I thought they would retract their statement if they knew about my hidden sin. If a person told me that they loved or valued me, I didn’t believe it. Because they didn’t fully know me. When we are even 1 percent unknown, we live as if we are fully unknown. We put up walls of facade to protect ourselves.
Authenticity Leads to Freedom
But Jesus is looking for our honesty. In our failures, He wants to see progress in our repentance from sin, not our perfection. What matters to Him is the actions we take when we sin. Unfortunately, there’s a problem in the Church. Too many people get the idea that they have to be “alright” all the time.
I grew up in church; I’m a pastor’s son. I internalized the message that the ideal Christian prays continuously, studies the Word, evangelizes everyone, and is holy all the time. Which is why we see so many Christians afraid to admit their sin. But if we accept this lie of perfection, all we can see is our sin and failure.
Yes, we can try to fill our desire of being loved and accepted by portraying a false version of ourselves, as I did for almost a decade. People will accept us for putting on a show, but will our hiding a part of ourselves bring us closer together? No. As I found out, it just brought more pain. I hated myself.
But one of the greatest sources of healing in my recovery from porn addiction was my decision to be 100 percent vulnerable with the people I love and trust. I was so afraid to do so, but when I finally pulled back the curtain on my junk to my parents, they offered me what Jesus also offers: unconditional grace and acceptance. Choosing to become 100 percent authentic has allowed me to step into healthy relationships that have brought me closer to God and others.
“…when I finally pulled back the curtain on my junk to my parents, they offered me what Jesus also offers: unconditional grace and acceptance. Risk telling someone your 1 percent to find freedom.” ~ Austin
Now it’s your turn. What is the 1 percent that is isolating you from people? What do you need to stop hiding, so that you can begin to walk in self-forgiveness and grace? I encourage you to share your burden with people you trust.
Are you worried what they will think of you? If it is someone you trust to love you, my guess is they won’t disown you or kick you to the curb. I bet their response will go something like this, “Hey thanks for being honest.” James 5:16 states that when we confess our sins to each other and pray for each other, we will be healed. I know this verse is true, because I am living it.
If I can encourage you further, please leave a comment below. God unconditionally loves you. Don’t think your sin can ever change that.
NEXT STEPS:
- Want Josh McDowell Ministry to pray for you? Share your needs with us.
- Who does God say that you are? Check out Ben Bennett’s article.
- Check out Josh’s research on the epidemic of pornography.
- Interested in a list of ministries that help people to overcome porn? Click here.
AUSTIN IS PART OF THE SPEAKING TEAM AT JOSH MCDOWELL MINISTRY.
2019
Living in Freedom from Addiction
Posted November 22, 2019 by Austin Fruits from Josh McDowell Ministries. www.josh.org Used with permission
In the midst of addiction, our hope for freedom can be clouded by a loss of control, depression, and isolation. From personal experience, the light at the end of the tunnel becomes more and more dim as failure and shame build. While trapped in my addiction to pornography, I thought for years that freedom was unattainable.
My pride and desire for control lead me to think that I could fix myself. The harsh reality was that I couldn’t. But I sit here today, in this moment, with a new level of health and freedom. How did I finally get here?
“Freedom is not having the ability to do what you want to do, freedom is having the ability to do what you ought to do.” – Josh McDowell
Identifying Freedom
First of all, let’s define “freedom,” specific to addiction. About a year and a half ago, when asked to define freedom by a few of the staff here at Josh McDowell Ministry, I thought a moment and replied, “Freedom is not struggling with temptation or sin.”
At the time, I really thought that was the goal I was supposed to be aiming for. It was certainly my personal goal in the first few months of my recovery. But I have come to realize that it’s not the right goal or definition, because it’s completely unrealistic.
Back then I expected that there would be a moment in my recovery where I would experience complete freedom — which would last the rest of my life. I thought freedom meant I would no longer struggle with lust, experience the temptation of sexual sin, or have to deal with the consequences of my sin. Now I understand that complete freedom isn’t possible here on earth, because of our inherent sinful nature. We still sin.
Justification
From my mindset of not struggling, I defined freedom through the lens of justification. Justification is a big theological term that means “to be declared righteous, or to be made right with God.”
5:18-19 tells us what Christ did for us: “Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for fall men. For as by the one man’s disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the one man’s obedience the many will be made righteous.”
When Christ died on the cross, He took our sins upon himself. In His resurrection, He conquered that sin. Because of His gift of grace, we believers are justified, or declared righteous, when we surrender our lives to Him. Christ paid the price that we could never pay; we are fully forgiven, if we choose to accept it.
Sanctification
I think a much better definition of freedom is found in terms of sanctification. To be sanctified is “to be brought into the presence of God and to share in the life of His Son through the Holy Spirit.” That sounds intimidating, so let me break it down.
You and I have been brought into God’s presence by Christ’s death and resurrection on the cross. This is called adoption. With this adoption, we gain the gift of the Holy Spirit working in our lives. The Holy Spirit helps us in many ways, including convicting us and leading us toward repentance. When we repent and turn away from our sin, we become more like Christ. So sanctification is our growth toward a life that imitates Christ; a life of holiness.
In the same way, finding freedom is growth toward health. We find freedom in health. 1 Thessalonians 5:23 says, “Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Full freedom isn’t possible because of our sinful nature, but we can gain health.
If we look at Josh’s definition — that “freedom is having the ability to do what you ought to do” — we get a better grasp of how to view freedom. If we are free to do what we ought to do, we remove the barriers that keep us from doing what we ought to do.
Freedom, or health, looks a lot like being connected to the life of God.
Restoration
Christian counselor Michael Dye created an addiction recovery tool called the FASTER Scale. The scale identifies the stages people move through toward relapse, so they can see it coming and get proactive. The FASTER acronym stands for Forgetting Priorities, Anxiety, Speeding Up, Ticked Off, Exhausted, and Relapse.
The FASTER Scale focuses on restoration (accepting life on God’s terms, with trust, vulnerability, and gratitude). If we live in restoration, we live lives saturated with healthy relationships, vulnerability, intimacy, identifying and dealing with emotions, walking with the Spirit, and working through pain. These aspects create health, which produces freedom.
This freedom is based on connection with God and other people. No matter our state of health, we still experience temptation and sin. But if we are living in restoration and connection, our connectedness provides healthy ways of dealing with them.
Often, to gain health or freedom, we must go to what hurt us in the first place: people. We learn to cope as people closest to us hurt us. But this woundedness creates isolation and barriers that keep us from living in intimate connection with God and others. To break down those barriers and return to health, we must learn to trust others and experience the intimacy that God intends us to enjoy.
Can we really gain freedom and health? Yes!
Walking in Freedom
I have been finding freedom and health for the past two years. It is unbelievably fulfilling to walk in health, because it is how God created me to experience life. Has it been hard to find health? Yes, but incredibly worth it.
I found health primarily by returning to my identity in Christ. I had to identify the root of the problem — my belief that I was not enough — and to experience my worth in Christ. I have had to process the pain in my past, and experience who I am in Christ through relationships with others. I have learned how to trust others with my fears.
Freedom is found when we live in health. It is characterized by vulnerability, connected relationships, intimacy, walking with the spirit, identifying and dealing with emotions, working through pain, and experiencing our worth in Christ.
Freedom is returning to our identity in Christ. Freedom is being less bound to the sins that entrap us. It is not always constant; it fluctuates day-to-day as we walk with others and navigate our sin-soaked world. We won’t find full freedom from sin here on earth, but we can find freedom from addiction. This is the hope that I and other addicts have, that freedom and health are possible. Here. Now.
Christ came to redeem, and we cannot forget that. No matter the struggle, we have worth in and to Christ.
Your road to health may be hard, but take my word for it: your experiencing intimacy with the Lord and others, and being who you were created to be, will satisfy your soul. It has mine. That is God’s design. That is freedom.
Want to learn more?
- Need a Josh McDowell Ministry speaker at your church? Ben Bennett speaks on living free.
- Josh has compiled decades of research here: The Porn Epidemic.
- Join the Resolution!
2019
The Porn Epidemic: Problem, Consequence, and Hope
Posted November 13, 2019 by Austin Fruits from Josh McDowell Ministries. www.josh.org Used with permission.
I love hearing the highlights of people’s lives, vacations, weekends, or even workdays. They are insights into people’s unique passions, joys, and personalities. In my two years traveling with Josh McDowell as his assistant, I experienced quite a few highlights.
But one event, in particular, still stands out to me: the Set Free Conference. There is an epidemic in the church today, and it all revolves around pornography.
Global Initiative to Expose Porn Addiction
Set Free, an initiative launched by Josh to educate, start conversation, and de-shame porn addiction, focused on a few major themes: What is pornography? What are its associated problems, consequences, and solutions? A global initiative, Set Free Conferences have been held in the U.S., Mexico, Argentina, Uruguay, and Singapore; attendees have heard from top speakers such as Dr. Donald Hilton, Jessica Harris, Ben Bennett, and Josh McDowell.
Why was Set Free the highlight of this two-year period? Because of the needed global conversation about the pornography epidemic — but also because of the response from attendees.
I’ve watched empowered pastors share excitement and become eager to teach what they’ve learned. I’ve seen moms and dads finally be able to understand their child’s struggle with porn. I’ve seen community leaders get fired up about starting recovery groups. And I’ve seen wounded, broken, humble people openly confess, through pouring tears, the porn addictions that have torn their lives apart.
The first two sections of the Set Free Conference were hard-hitters: the problem of porn, and its consequences. As attendees heard the mind-boggling stats and gut-wrenching repercussions, they were glued to the edge of their seats. As they learned that porn is the number one problem in the Church — globally — their reactions ranged from shock and anger to utter despair.
When we find the courage to talk about that which we deem to be dirty and uncomfortable, shame can be broken, movements can be started, and people can take the initial steps towards freedom.
The Problem of Porn
Our culture is so sexually saturated that porn is now included in top-selling books, advertising, and social media. We don’t even realize how many pornographic images we are exposed to daily, without our even trying to see them.
Christians are just as tempted as non-believers to view porn, which is why pastor Charles R. Swindoll has called pornography the greatest cancer in the history of the Church. As Josh adds, “It’s available, accessible, affordable, anonymous, appealing, aggressive, and addictive.” Porn is affecting the majority of families in every church around the globe. This epidemic is destroying families; it’s now the root cause of 56 percent of divorces.
So what is pornography? A general description is that it’s “that which is designed to arouse or sexually excite.” Porn is not juvenile and harmless, like too many people generally think. It is hardcore, graphic, and disgusting.
Porn addiction is biological, relational, and spiritual. Solutions must address each aspect for us to gain freedom.
Why is it an epidemic? I’ll share my personal experience. As I told readers in my last post, I have battled an addiction to porn that started well before my teens. I know how porn addiction distorts every part of a person’s life. I know the tangible consequences of the degradation of human life. I know the misery of living an isolated and disconnected life, and the hopelessness of addiction.
Mind-Boggling Stats
The reach of the porn industry is mind-boggling. One study found that porn sites receive more regular traffic than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined each month. Porn now accounts for a third of all Internet traffic! More than 91 percent of men and 60 percent of women have reported consuming pornography in the past month.
But a lot of those viewers are young people, who got exposed to porn as early as eight years old! It’s just too easy to stumble on it on both cell phones and computers. In sharing my own story of woundedness, addiction, and journey toward freedom at the Set Free Conference, I’ve seen just how many young males — and increasingly young females — are struggling with addiction to porn.
This breaks Josh’s heart; this crippling addiction is not what God intends for us. Josh has spent the past decade researching the problem, consequences, and solutions to pornography. Here are just a few startling statistics:
- 79 percent of men and 76 percent of women, ages 18-30, view pornography at least once a month.
- 64 percent of young people, ages 13-24, actively seek out pornography.
- 57 percent of pastors admit they struggle with porn.
- 60-72 percent of men and 24-30 percent of women in the Church are sex addicts.
What these stats show is that our society has normalized porn. Research shows that teens and young adults consider failing to recycle more immoral than viewing pornography!
The Consequences of Porn
There’s a reason that sexual immorality is talked about so frequently in the Bible. 1 Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.”
The consequences that pornography yields dismantle a person’s biological, spiritual, and relational self. Biologically, it rewires our brains, creating a lack of control, chemical dependency, and desensitization. Spiritually, it disconnects us from God. Isaiah 59:2 states that our iniquities have caused separation between us and God; that our sins have hidden His face from us. Viewing pornography is rooted in our lust and sexual immorality; it is adultery. It is sin, plain and simple.
In Ephesians 4:17-19, we can read that giving ourselves over to sensuality cuts us off from the life of God. Relationally, pornography causes guilt, shame, and isolation. When we isolate, we cut ourselves off from one of God’s greatest gifts, our brothers and sisters in Christ. One of the consequences of the epidemic of pornography is that it leads to a skewed perspective of how to treat others.
Pornography causes the belief that:
- It’s okay to use, abuse, or mistreat others for self-gratification.
- It’s okay to view and participate in the use, mistreatment, or abuse of a person.
- People can treat others with indifference.
- Pleasure guides principle, meaning sexual passion trumps moral objectives.
Pornography creates:
- A demonstrated lack of empathy toward others.
- Decreased interest in and/or declining performance in school and extracurricular activities.
- Sexual aggression, incest, and age-inappropriate relationships.
- Concentration problems, low motivation, depression, social anxiety, negative self-perceptions, and erectile dysfunction.
Sexual abuse is always a hot topic in the media. But it’s interesting to note how infrequently porn is cited as the source motivating that abuse. Check out the Porn Epidemic’s chapter on sexual harassment to learn more about sexual abuse and its tie to pornography.
Hope
Coming face-to-face with the reality of our sin should lead us not into isolation, but to the feet of our Heavenly Father. The weight of our sin is heavy, too heavy to bear alone. It is so easy to be caught up in the magnitude of this epidemic and lose hope. I have done so many times.
But the truth is, there is hope. 1 Peter 2:24 offers us good news: “He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.”
It is easy to become discouraged in the shadow of a giant, but we can’t forget that we know the end of the story. Christ, the Son of God, took the form of a man to take our sins upon Himself. He died, but triumphantly rose to reunite us with our Heavenly Father. He offers us forgiveness and healing, if we are willing to place our trust and faith in Him. With His help, we can conquer any sin.
Hope motivated all the Set Free attendees who confessed their addiction for the first time. And there is hope in the midst of your child’s addition, your personal addiction, or those of your friends.
Porn is currently an epidemic. But no problem is bigger than God. I have hope in the power of His healing the world. Because I’ve witnessed it and experienced it. Have hope!
Want to learn more?
- Want a Josh McDowell Ministry speaker to come to your church?
- Want research? Josh has compiled decades of research here: The Porn Epidemic.
- A list of ministries that help people to overcome porn.
- Join the Resolution!