About a week before finding this online group, I had seen an “adult” movie or video on my phone, and I fell flat on my face in guilt and shame. It had been such a long time since I had acted out in this way that I thought I had started to overcome it on my own. Deep in the back of my mind, I knew I was fooling myself. My binge and purge intervals had become so far apart that I began to think maybe I was getting better. I was not! I had just chosen other ways to numb out whether it was trying to make more money, tv, food or having a drink. The guilt after this specific episode of acting out for some unknown reason caused me to seek help fast before I really messed up and lost everything. I had previously been in a group in person at my small church. For scheduling reasons and a personal issue I had with one of the members, I stopped attending it a few years prior. I had also had Covenant Eyes, but had stopped it a few years prior due to budgeting and the false assumption that I was “good,” and could maintain without it. I knew that my marriage would continue to suffer and I could never follow God with a clear conscious unless I obtained healing from this problem.
The specific step I decided to take was to find an internet filter so that I could be accountable. I knew that if my wife and others could see where I was on my phone or the web, I would be much less likely to act out. It would be a strong deterrent. While looking for a new internet filter, I came across the top filters recommended by Dr. Ted Roberts website. I found that the group was offered online so half heartedly, I submitted times and dates I could maybe take the course. I had really liked Dr. Roberts when I had attended before and never really wanted to stop it. I wished I had found a way to keep attending the in-person group I had been part of in the past. I still occasionally reach out and hear from one or two of the guys in that group. I was assigned to a Restored Warriors Group and it has been such a blessing. There is no doubt in this prodigal’s mind that when I turned back to God in this way, He was ready to respond with this divine intervention. The Holy Spirit is using the relationships formed in this group to change my thinking and draw me closer to God the Father.
Thank you Daniel for hosting this group and accepting me into it.