Formal Disclosure Information for Clients
By Stefanie Carnes, PhD

This document was designed to provide guidelines and information to clients considering the option of participating in a formal disclosure process guided by a CSAT. It is not meant to replace the guidance given to you by your personal therapist because every family’s situation is unique. However this information should be helpful to you as you prepare for disclosure, and will assist in helping you understand what to expect. The guidelines here come from my clinical experience as well as a research study I recently conducted. In my study I  looked at factors that would make disclosures less traumatic for partners, more effective and less damaging to the marriage. There were 137 participants in this study. The feedback they provided was very beneficial for the field and their stories were powerful to read. I have included some direct quotes from participants in this handout.

If you are struggling with the impact that sex addiction has on the family, you are not alone.

This behavioral addiction has become increasingly common and more and more families are being affected. This can be a very painful and trying experience for both the addicts and their family members. As a matter of fact, a recent study showed that after partners learned of their loved ones sex addiction, about 70% experienced symptoms of PTSD and acute stress disorder  (Steffens and Rennie, 2006). Learning that you have been betrayed in a very personal way can be devastating.

This is why it is so critical for family members to reach out for support. It is not only the addict that needs and deserves supportive care. It is my recommendation that both the addict and the partner find their own CSAT therapist that can serve as their support person and help guide them through the formal disclosure process. It is also very helpful for each partner to participate in a support group. Being with other family members going through a similar experience can be an invaluable source of support. Additionally, 12 step groups and POSA groups can also be very helpful. Your CSAT should be able to connect you with a group for extra support.

When an addict shares information about the behaviors they have participated in during their addiction with their partner it is called a disclosure. A facilitated disclosure is when this process is facilitated by a therapist. In my clinical experience it is much better to have the process facilitated by a therapist. The therapist will make sure the appropriate information is included, and will manage the process to make sure each party is supported throughout. This process allows the addict to come clean and finally be free of their secrets, while also empowering the spouse with the truth about the addictive behaviors. Ultimately, while it is a difficult process, it is designed over time to allow the couple to have the foundation of truth and honesty within their relationship – a foundation upon which they can grow and heal from the addiction and restore true intimacy.

There have been two studies that have focused on individuals that have experienced disclosures. Both of these studies found very similar results. That while there is some ambivalence and uncertainty going into a disclosure process – afterwards, 93% or more individuals have felt it was the right thing to do (Schneider, Corley and Irons, 2002, and S. Carnes 2017 in process). So while it is difficult. In the vast majority of cases, people were glad that they made the decision to go through with the disclosure.

There are ten important elements that go into healthy disclosures. Those will be outlined on the following pages.

#1 Facilitated disclosures are only for couples who are committed to one another One of the key findings from my research is that couples who were not fully committed to one another had outcomes that were not as positive. Participants were ask, if they were interested in continuing the relationship. Those that responded “no” to that question, showed increased rates of partner trauma, rated the disclosure session as being less effective, and more damaging to the marriage. Clinically, this is what we as clinicians would expect. The purpose of a disclosure is to repair a damaged relationship, when both parties want to move forward. So in most cases where divorce is being seriously considered, disclosure is likely contraindicated.

#2 Facilitated disclosures include adequate preparation for both parties.
Due to the nature of disclosures, they typically require a significant amount of preparation.

The addict’s therapist will often conduct a comprehensive sexual history and do some psychological testing. The addict’s therapist will want to see the addict embracing the recovery process, being compliant with their treatment plan and their sexual health plan, shoring up their peer support system, and getting completely and totally honest in their recovery process. There are many assignments that are often given to the addict during this time, in order to compile documentation and information to collect onto the disclosure document. The addicts therapist will often want feedback from the partner (or her therapist) about important questions they have for the addict to make sure all the important information is included.

The addict’s preparation is very important. One of the findings in my study was that disclosure success was propelled by three key factors:
1) the addicts were maintaining their sobriety
2) the addicts were fully engaged in 12 step work and
3) actually had some treatment for their trauma prior to the disclosure. The addicts that had these three components faired significantly better. Their disclosures were less traumatic for the partner, were rated as more effective and were rated as less damaging to the marriage.

In the partner’s preparation process, the partner’s therapist is usually focusing on educating the partner about sex addiction and betrayal trauma, and normalizing and validating their experience and reactions. The therapist will usually work with the partner to build up his or her social support as well, such as participating in a partner support group and getting key friends or relatives informed about the situation and asking for their support. The partner’s therapist  will take an extensive history with the partner and help the partner sort through what the important questions are to ask the addict. They will often serve as an advocate in helping the partner make sure their questions are answered and help them with boundaries for self-care prior to the disclosure.

Both therapists will inform the clients about the format and structure of the session so that you know what to expect. Here’s some quotes from actual clients who have experienced the disclosure process:
• “A therapy session was held where all 4 parties attended – me and my therapist, my husband and his therapist. This session was extremely helpful for both me and my husband. We were both able to openly share our expectations and fears surrounding the disclosure in a safe environment. This was incredibly beneficial leading up to our disclosure.”
• “I was given a schedule for the disclosure time, and I was given several things to prepare for in advance of the disclosure. Prior to disclosure I met with my therapist to go over my work and any additional questions or concerns that I might have.”
• “Reviewing agreements and the process beforehand was very helpful. The clarity and structure provided was very beneficial and the focus on not re-traumatizing me was reassuring.”
• “Reviewing my own disclosure and the questions my partner had. I was surprised at the details and issues she found relevant. I think that the exercise of her preparing all of her questions with her therapist was very helpful to us both; her questions were all relevant and helpful for healing. It helped me understand more how she thought about my behavior as well.”
• ‘Writing everything out before hand. Having my partner write everything out as well. And having our therapist read and edit it to clarify and ensure we were not attacking each other, but explaining our experiences.”

#3 Facilitated disclosures include appropriate levels of support Both the addict and the partner will be asked to create a support plan for the week of disclosure. Even if it is just a small amount of information to be disclosed.

Sometimes even small amounts of information can be very distressing for a partner to learn about. And some disclosures can contain large amounts of information that can leave a partner devastated. So it is typically asked that all parties create a comprehensive support plan. This will likely include things like a support person to drive with you to the disclosure, care for the children outside of the home for that week, meetings with closure friends and support  group members, and self-care activities, such as exercise, massage and yoga. It will also likely include follow up individual and couple psychotherapy sessions. Here are some participant comments:
• “Knowing the format of the disclosure and setting up a plan for support afterwards was extremely helpful”
• “Another helpful thing was that she prepared me ahead of time for knowing that I would likely need some time to myself, and that it was perfectly appropriate to ask my husband to find another place to stay for a few nights.”
• “The therapist explanation of how it would work and forcing me to have an after care plan prior to the disclosure was extremely helpful.”

#4 Facilitated disclosures are very structured The disclosure session itself will be very structured and contained. It typically only has one goal: Getting all the information out in a clear, concise and understandable manner. There typically will not be a lot of processing or discussing the information during the session.

The processing and discussion of the behavior will occur in a subsequent session, usually scheduled shortly after the disclosure. There will be ground rules, such as no verbal abuse and name calling.

This allows for both parties to feel safe. The partner should know that they should be empowered to stop and take a break at any time s/he needs to and s/he will be allowed time to ask questions.

The disclosure will be well organized and likely organized in a chronological format.

#5 Facilitated disclosures contain only the appropriate level of information
Disclosures will include factual clear descriptions of the addict’s behavior that  will not be confusing or unclear. Information such as time frames, the type of behavior, and health or safety issues, and financial costs will be included.

Typically the name of the acting out partner is included only if the partner knows or will run into this person. The information is usually written in a manner that does not include jargon or slang, and shows that the addict accepts responsibility for the behavior. For example, “I lied to you when I told you I was not going to strip clubs. I have gone to strip clubs approximately twice per week since 2016 and my behavior included lap dances and objectifying women”, or “I had protected genital intercourse with Nancy from work 10 times between June and September of 2016.”

When the information is written in a clear, understandable manner, it gives the partner all the necessary facts and provides clarity. When partners have this level of clarity they typically do not feel the need to ask for details around the addicts behavior. The partner’s therapist will commonly discourage the partner from asking for unnecessary details around the addict’s behavior. Information that is too detailed can often cause painful imagery and increased PTSD symptoms for the partner so clinicians usually discourage it. However, if there is a detail that helps the partner make sense of a situation, then sometimes exceptions are made. Consider the following examples:
• “My husband gave me a written disclosure on his own months prior to our attending the intensive/disclosure and it was very traumatizing. The outline given to him by our therapist who conducted the disclosure was MUCH better. There was no unnecessary details, all sexual acts and acting out behaviors were described very clinically with no slang words for any behaviors and that was a big improvement over the original non-therapeutic disclosure. The women were referred to in a non-intimate way using only names and the only content about them was the actual act involving them. My husband’s feelings about them was not included and that was a big improvement over the original disclosure as well. It was in chronological order which made it easier to follow as well.“
• “The statement was very well organized, with times, dates and behaviors. I also appreciated being given the names of persons who may still be in my life or that I may come in contact with. I am glad that I was disallowed from trying to dig for petty details that would have made my trauma worse and create rumination over places and details.”

#6 Facilitated disclosures allow the partner to have all the information s/he needs clarified by allowing the partner to get all of their questions answered. If a partner does not want information than that is respected as well.

One of the key findings of my study was that partners should be empowered to ask questions in a safe and respectful way. It is also normal for both parties to share their feelings during the process, but again, typically the processing and discussion around the behaviors is saved until the next couples therapy session. In my study, the partner’s ability to ask questions and share their feelings was predictive of less damage to the marriage.

There are many formats used today by clinicians for asking questions. And no one format seemed to be better than any of the others, according to the data in this particular study. Some therapists allow the partner to ask question throughout the disclosure, and others ask partners to hold their questions to the end. Sometimes it can be beneficial for the partner to take some time with his/her therapist after hearing the disclosure and organizing the questions with the help of the therapist. Addicts are instructed to be as honest as possible when answering questions. Here’s some quotes from participants:
• “I was not encouraged to ask questions while my addictive spouse shared his disclosure. However, I was allowed to take notes and ask questions after he read his disclosure. I felt like this approach was beneficial and respectful.”
• “Felt like my thoughts and feelings were of upmost importance. I could ask questions at any point as well as prior to help format the disclosure.”
• “I appreciated that I could stop the process to absorb some of what was being disclosed, as well as being able to wait until the end if I wanted. It was nice to feel that I had some type of control as it was hard to process everything that was coming at me.”
• “….while my husband was reading his written disclosure to me, if I had any questions or wanted any clarification I would signal our therapist’s assistant, who was my personal coach during the disclosure, and she would make a notation at that spot on the copy of my husband’s written disclosure that she was following along on. After he was done reading his disclosure he left the room with our therapist and I went over the questions that I had regarding his disclosure with my coach and she compiled a list for me to ask him when he came back into the room. I felt that this model was very effective.”

#7 A facilitated disclosure is followed up by subsequent sessions to provide further clarity if necessary.

Often it is hard for a partner to absorb all the information in one session. Sometimes the partner can be very emotional and shocked about what they have learned. As a result, some partners may need to meet again to ask questions at a later point in time, or alternatively they may need to review the information again with a therapist. It is important for the couple to have follow up sessions to have support in getting these questions answered with the support of a therapist.

Consider this participant who was not afforded that option:
• “It was difficult to come up with questions immediately after disclosure. I was still trying to take it all in. I wasn’t prepared to ask questions. Many questions have come up in the days, weeks & months since the disclosure & I feel as if there has really been no proper forum to address those questions.”

#8 A facilitated disclosure is just the beginning of the healing process and partners should be allowed to follow up with an impact statement After the disclosure session much work needs to be done to move towards repair of the relationship. It is common for therapists to recommend that the partner share an “impact letter” with the addict that describes their thoughts, feelings of betrayal, and the pain they have experienced with the addict. This serves as a partner response to the information s/he learned during the disclosure. This expression of feelings is usually important in the partners healing and can be cathartic and can help the partner feel understood. This can lay the foundation for being able to move forward to relationship repair. Sometimes therapists will have the partner do an immediate impact about the disclosure information, and then a subsequent, more comprehensive letter about the sex addiction in general. In my study, the partners that completed an impact letter reported less damage to their marriage. Consider the healing experienced by these participants:
• “After disclosure I did have intensive and intrusive thoughts but they subsided and I felt so much better after I was able to write my emotional impact letter  and read it. I feel like the disclosure process combined with the emotional impact letter providing a great turning point in our marriage.”
• “I was encouraged to write an emotional impact letter and read it to the addict. I was encouraged to share with the addict how I envisioned our life if he did not continue in recovery (which I prepared in advance). We had the opportunity to work on recovery plans and to begin marriage recovery plans, but I was not in an emotional place where I could do that. Our therapists spent a
lot of time and attention to tailoring our sessions to keep this in mind and to work with me through my complete “shut off.“”
• “….(After the impact letter,) I felt empowered and for the first time truly advocated for myself.”

#9 Facilitated disclosures should be followed up with couples therapy and trauma treatment.

Even when disclosures go well, they can still be a traumatic experience. Learning about betrayal from someone who you trusted is a devastating experience. It is very important to continue to work on the relationship with couples therapy, and for partners to get some treatment for their betrayal trauma. Many partner specialists use different modalities of treatment for trauma. Treatment modalities such as EMDR, and Somatic experiencing can be particularly helpful. For couples therapy, using someone who is trained in emotion focused  couples therapy, a Gottman trained therapist and /or Imago therapist can be very helpful.

#10 While disclosure is very difficult it is intended to be a healing process
It is important to be realistic that this is a difficult process and you may take two steps back in your relationship before taking one step forward. But even though it is difficult, the disclosure process can often paradoxically spark hope about the relationship. When partners see an addict be honest and accountable about their behavior, they often experience renewed hope in the relationship. So be sure to follow your therapists recommendations for your support plan and for treatment and it will help you navigate this difficult time. Here’s a couple final quotes from participants:
• “It has been 6 years since my disclosure and this process allowed me to make informed decisions about moving forward in my life…until that point I felt stuck. The truth set me free. My marriage lasted 2.5 years after treatment but ended well as I had very clear boundaries and knew what behaviors were part of my partners recovery or not. We have been able to remain friends and have moved on. I will be forever grateful for disclosure as it freed me from the “what if’s”…”
• “This was the best thing ever for my own recovery. It gave me all the facts I needed to connect the dots and understand that my instincts were always correct. I trust my instincts fully ever since this process and never question my gut feelings as I know them to be a true compass. I was able to make informed decisions on what to do about my relationship/marriage going forward and was
grateful for the truth. Not having a disclosure …no matter how painful would  have left me wondering for years to come and doubting my decisions and impeded my own recovery.”

Full Disclosure Overview For The Sex Addict

The Full Disclosure process will include a polygraph followed by the writing and sharing of three letters over the course of your counseling sessions:

1. Disclosure Letter
You will prepare your sexual history and Disclosure Letter as you work with your clinician in preparation for the polygraph. Following the polygraph, you will meet with your spouse in a session to share your Disclosure Letter.
Please note: Use good boundaries when storing the Full Disclosure while you work on this letter. It is recommended that you keep the Full Disclosure in a protected, private place while you are drafting it.

A. As assigned by your clinician, read and review the Full Disclosure Information.  They will be available to answer any questions that you may have at your next session.
B. As assigned by your clinician, read and review the SA Guidelines for Writing a Full Disclosure. You may also begin writing your first draft.
C. During a session, your clinician will review your first draft of Full Disclosure.  They will provide direction and guidance to you as you continue to work on the letter.
D. During a session, your clinician will review the Self-Care for Disclosure with you.

2. Emotional Impact Letter
Your spouse will prepare an Emotional Impact Letter to share how your sexual acting out has affected them. They will then meet with you in a session to share their Emotional Impact Letter.

3. Emotional Restitution Letter
You will prepare an Emotional Restitution Letter in response to your spouse’s Emotional Impact Letter. You will then meet with your spouse in a session to  share your Emotional Restitution Letter.

A. As assigned by your clinician, read and review the Letter of Emotional Restitution Guidelines. They will be available to answer any questions that you may have at your next session. You may also begin writing your first draft.
B. During a session, your clinician will review the Rules of Support & Self-Care Plan with you.

SA GUIDELINES FOR WRITING A
FULL DISCLOSURE
The following steps will assist you in writing your Full Disclosure. This is a process that takes time, commitment, support, and often several drafts before you are ready to present FD to your spouse. You will start with earliest memories to present date.
STEPS FOR DRAFTING YOUR FULL DISCLOSURE
1. Start with an opening statement to your spouse. Keep it simple and straightforward. This is not a time for excessive apologies or excuses. Let your spouse know you are grateful for their attendance and support.
2. Use a timeline with dates and months, be as specific as you can. Include all of the following. If this doesn’t apply to your acting out, you can omit. Please remember limits of confidentiality and mandated reporting of your clinician should you disclose activity with children.
● Strip clubs
● Pornography (any kind)
● Prostitutes
● Homosexual Partners
● Affair Partners
● Sexual Massage
● Phone Sex
● Craigslist
● Group Sex
● BSDM
● Sex Clubs
● Beastiality
● Pedophilia
● Sex Shops
● Sex Bars
● Gay Bars
● Swingers
● Secret PO Boxes
● Secret Families
● Secret Phones
● Secret Homes or Apartments
● Job Loss
● Money Impact
● Other Addictions
● Arrests and Lawsuits
3. Change any use of the conditional tense to the past tense.
Poor Example: I would leave work in the afternoons to go to topless bars.
Good Example: I left work in the afternoons to go to topless bars.
4. Include time frames when each acting out incident happened, and by telling how often it occurred.
Good Example: In June of 2000, while on a business trip to San Francisco, I went to a back room behind a bar and had unprotected intercourse with a female prostitute. I paid the prostitute $50 in cash.
OR
Between early 1998 and late 2001, when I went on regular business trips to New York and Philadelphia, I watched pay-per-view pornographic movies on the TV in my hotel room almost every night and masturbated once to three times each night. I estimate I watched pay-per-view programs a total of 65 times, or 150 hours and masturbated an estimated total of 220 times. Include money spent and lies told.
5. References to the spouse are not to be written in the second person.
Poor Example: Many times I lied to my wife about my sexual secrets.
Good Example: Many times I lied to you about my sexual secrets.
6. Use clinical or anatomically correct terms and avoid slang or sexual jargon.
Example: oral sex, not blowjob, pornography rather than porn, prostitute instead of massage therapist, breasts rather than the slang terms often used, and “I paid for oral sex to be performed on me,” rather than “I got a blow job.”
7. Use “I” statements and focus on you, the addict’s actions and behaviors:
Poor Example: I picked up a prostitute and went to a motel and she gave me a blowjob.
Good Example: I picked up a female prostitute in Hollywood on my way home from the airport on September 17, 2007. I took her to the Motel Six on Sunset in Hollywood, and paid $50 to her to receive unprotected oral sex from her. I was with her approximately 30 minutes. I lied to you about my plane being late.
Poor Example: The woman I was seeing called me and invited me to get together, so we met and had dinner at a restaurant.
Afterward she invited me to her apartment and we had sex.
Good Example: Sometime toward the end of August of last year, I received a call from the woman I was having an affair with and I agreed to meet and have dinner with her at a restaurant that you and I often go to (name). I spent $200 on dinner. Afterward I went to her apartment and had protected intercourse with her. I was with her for about 3 hours and I lied to you stating that I had been at work.
8. Regarding use of names of acting out partners— a name is used only if the spouse knows the person (such as a friend or family member of the partner, a neighbor, or someone the addict has a work relationship with). If, however, the spouse does not know the acting out partner and they have never met, then the person is referred to by the person’s gender.
Example: During a sales conference in 1997 I flirted with a woman I met in a workshop. I ate several meals with her over the course of the conference, and on the last night I invited her to my room and had (protected/unprotected) intercourse with her.
9. Including the addict’s thoughts and feelings or narrative-like details to describe what happened, or explanations of the addict’s behavior are omitted. The facts are stated simply and directly, with only enough detail for the spouse to follow the sequence of events and to convey what happened honestly and completely. The addict does not include detailed descriptions of the body parts or sensations.
10. Add details of what happened if the reference is vague, incomplete or unclear. It is important to include enough information so your spouse is not confused about what transpired. However, do not include specific hurtful details that outline the nitty gritty of the sexual act as this can further traumatize your spouse.
Poor Example: I called up an escort service and they sent someone over and we had sex.
Good Example: On February 9, 2001, I called an escort service while on a business trip to New York, and had a male prostitute sent to my hotel room. I received unprotected oral sex and had protected anal intercourse with him. I spent $$.
11. If the acting out involved spending money, that needs to be included, along with the amount.
Example: I called an escort service and had a male prostitute sent to my hotel room. I received unprotected oral sex and had protected anal intercourse with him. I spent a total of $350.
It is also important to include any additional information pertinent to the amounts that were spent on the addiction.
Example: While I was secretly paying for prostitutes, I was aware that there often wasn’t enough money to pay our mortgage.
12. If the acting out involved lying to your spouse or taking advantage of opportunities provided by your spouse’s routine or in other ways indirectly involved the spouse in some way, that needs to be included.
Example: Many times I lied to you that I was working late when I really was going to sexual bookstores before I came home. (Then would follow details of what was done at the bookstores.)
OR
Often I went to topless bars when you were out of town. Once I dropped you off at the airport for you to fly to a conference and another time I took you to the airport to visit your mom, and both times I drove straight from the airport to a topless bar.
(Then what happened at the topless bar.)
13. The addict will include all incidents of flirting, sexualizing co-workers, friends, family members or others, fantasy and so forth.
Example: Whenever we were out together, or I was out in public alone, such as shopping together, eating together at a restaurant or going to a movie together, I would often stare and go into sexual fantasy about other women. I would deny doing this when you confronted me.
14. Finally, once every single sexually acting out behavior has been included, it is imperative for the addict to also include behaviors and other addictions that were hurtful to the spouse including: drugs, alcohol, gambling, online gaming, social media flirting, physical violence, emotional and verbal abuse, hiding spending on non-sexual purchases, abusive child discipline, constant berating of the partner’s family or friends, etc.
This part does not have to be as detailed as the sexual portion is, but if these additional issues have been present, they need to be addressed as part of the addictive process. And if there are any tie-ins to the sexual acting out, those need to be mentioned as well.
Example: Besides my sexual acting out, I have been abusive physically and verbally to you and the children. I have often yelled at you and on at least three occasions I shoved you and once threw some dishes and broke them in your presence. I have often yelled at the children and said shaming things to them. I had no right to treat you or our children so poorly and to hurt all of you this way.

Adapted from “Formal Disclosure Documents for CSAT Therapists” by Mari A. Lee, 2007-2015 Mari A. Lee, “SD Guidelines for Writing Formal
Disclosure.” Copyright 2007-2015 by Mari A. Lee. Adapted with permission.

Dear Jane,
This is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I must admit that for the past several months I have been actively deceiving you regarding my secret sin. I must confess to you I committed adultery with Sue Jones, breaking the fidelity of our marital covenant. My sin is against God, you, our family and friends. There is no excuse for my actions and I am fully responsible for their impacts, which I will highlight at the end of this letter. It is important, as part of my confession, that I actively engage in giving you the details of my actions. While this is a painful process, it is necessary, as any real healing is built on a foundation of truthfulness. This letter will serve as a clear outline of my infidelity, allowing a difficult and ambiguous situation to be made very clear. You are welcome to ask me any questions needed and my job is to answer you fully with patience and honesty.
Beginning in May of 2013, I was working with Sue Jones on a major project for work. She is not at my firm, but is part of a company we collaborate with on a regular basis. Previous to this time, I knew her name only, having met her at meetings once or twice previously. Those encounters were purely professional, and I never gave her a second look. I was assigned to work with her as part of a project.
During May and June of 2013, our relationship was still professional and there was no talk of anything outside of work. I must admit, however, I found her physically attractive and fantasized about her sexually on occasion. I minimized the significance of such fantasizing by lying to myself by thinking it was not such a big deal and everyone fantasizes. The reality is I was doing significant harm to you, myself, and our marriage.
At this point, we interacted with one another only in the work environment. I did notice, however, that we worked well together and I found myself looking forward to being around her, as well as, continuing to fantasize. Beginning in July, I began deceiving myself about our marriage. I felt angry and lonely. I started telling myself that you and I were simply not working out and that you could never understand me. I am sharing this justification for what it is, a lie. Unfortunately, it was how I was thinking at the time. It lead to me angrily withdrawing from you more and more at home. You confronted me on this, asking me what was going on in multiple instances. I lied and deflected your approaches, angrily telling you nothing was wrong. I abandoned you in the pain.
At the same time, I began thinking about Sue more and more, telling myself that she was the kind of person I should be with. I also began to tell myself things like “I deserve to be happy.” That month, in addition to a change in my thinking, I began making excuses to interact with Sue more, calling her about issues related to the project, but talking more personally and even flirtatiously. We had exchanged cell phone numbers as a part of working together, which I often do with people both inside and outside of my firm. To my delight, saying this now is sickening to me, I noticed her flirting back and enjoyed it. She would call me about unnecessary project issues and engage me talking about personal matters. These personal matters were related to our interest in sports, education backgrounds, and telling each other about growing up in the same area of the country. In my mind, I would not allow myself to think about what I was actually doing. Instead, I thought to myself I deserved these exciting, fun moments, that I deserved to be happy.
In August of 2013, I asked her to have a meeting with me at the Panera by my office, under the cover of business issues. She agreed and we met. We talked about business briefly and spent the next 2 hours talking about our lives and marriages. She told me she was distant from her husband and had been for some time. I am sorry to say I said the same about you. We both actually acted like we were concerned for each other’s marriages. The truth is, if we had been concerned we would have run out of the restaurant right then and confessed to our spouses what we were doing. She thanked me for listening and I did the same for her. Two days went by and I could not stop thinking about her. I was at home with you and the kids but was wrapped up in the lie that I had finally found someone who understood me. In fact, we had an argument over those two days and, in selfish anger, I told myself I was entitled to some peace and happiness so I should reach out to Sue. We had been arguing because you were not going to accept me telling you nothing was wrong when I was cold and withdrawn at home. I wouldn’t budge and gave you the silent treatment most of the time. Sue met again the next Monday at the Panera and talked for 3 hours. At the end of our time, I told her I had been thinking about her non-stop and she told me the same. Things escalated quickly between us.
For the next two weeks, we met every day at lunch time. We would meet in the Panera parking lot, and I would either go in her car or she would come into mine. We would then drive around to the back of the shopping center there for privacy to talk, as we did not want to be seen. During that two weeks, I asked if I could kiss her and she said yes. I am not sure exactly which day it was, but it was in that period of time.
Our kissing turned into prolonged periods of making-out. At the end of this two week period, I asked her to meet me at the Hampton Inn on the north side of town on a Thursday night. I lied to you that evening and told you I had to work late. I exploited your trust in me so I could be sexually unfaithful. I believe she did the same with her husband. We met there, without having stated directly what we were going to do. I think deep down, both of us were too ashamed to say out loud what we were doing. This was my cowardliness and shame, as I was willing to meet another woman at a hotel for sex, but too much of a coward to even admit to myself what I was doing. We had unprotected sex that night and stayed together for a few hours. I am ashamed to admit we both agreed this was permissible and not risky since I had a vasectomy. We agreed we could not stay together overnight, so we both left around 9pm. If you remember, I was home around 10pm. You and the kids were already in bed.
Things really escalated further at that point. We planned many sex encounters over the next 4 months, from September 2013 to December of 2013. We met almost daily for our lunch make-out sessions and met to have sex 15-20 times. Five of these were at different hotels around town, the Radisson, the Marriott, the Hotel 6, the Drury Inn, and the Holiday Inn. We split the cost, and my part over the course of the affair was around $650. The other times were at her house, during the day time, when her children and husband were out. We did this in their guest bedroom, as even in the midst of our depravity. We did not have sex in she and her husband’s bed, as we liked to delude ourselves into thinking we had standards and lines we would not cross. None of these sexual encounters were protected sex. If you remember, I was working late very often during this time and you were upset about this. Again, I deceived and exploited your trust by telling you I was having to work late on projects and that it was simply a very busy season. In reality, I was selfishly engaging in adultery and then turning around and robbing you and the children of a father and husband. Beginning immediately, during this time, we regularly started saying we loved one another. I know now this was not true, because what we were doing was a complete violation of what God defines as loving. We were also texting and calling one another several times a day. Often, these conversations were sexual and we both sent nude and semi-nude pictures of ourselves to one another via Snapchat so there would be no record of our contact. We also talked about a life together, which involved both of us leaving our marriages. I talked about you to her and she shared about her husband. I told her that I believed you didn’t understand me and would recount our arguments to her looking for her to sympathize with my position. She was willing. I shared about our conflicts over parenting the children, our differences about finances, and not having anything to talk about with one another.
During this time, if things had been cold between you and I before, they got absolutely frigid. I moved to the guest bedroom, telling you I was trying to “figure things out”. The reality was being near you made me feel the shame of what I was doing and I did not want to face this. I also felt so guilty I became what you started referring to as “super dad.” While it is true I love our children, I started trying to alleviate the guilt I felt by being the best dad possible. I really had bought into this idea that I was a good guy and great dad who had just fallen “out of love” with my wife.
Over the Christmas Holidays, 2013, Sue and I decided to plan a weekend away together in Kansas City.
We wanted to be together in a place that was neutral, where we could be out in public without shame.
This is when I made up a story about needing to take a business trip over New Years. I think you had grown very suspicious of me by this point, but I was committed to my infidelity, so worked diligently to try and convince you things were fine, even creating a fake work agenda for the trip. One of the most painful memories is when I turned to look at you as I was leaving. There was so much pain on your face as you stood there in the doorway. I remember thinking to myself, as I drove away, “I’ve got to put that out of my mind.”
I left on December 31st, 2013 and met her at the Walmart on the north side of town to leave her car there. We both figured that neither you or her husband go there, so we would not be found out. We were so blatant in our infidelity to suppose that what we were doing was “love”, but still actively ashamed of it and trying to hide. I took her to The Plaza in Kansas City and we stayed at the Hilton the nights of the 31st and January 1st, returning late in the evening of January 2nd. During those two days, we ate out, bought each other gifts, and lived out the fantasy of being together. Since I keep our financial books, I hid the expenses from you. I spent approximately $1700 over that three day period. On the ride home, she told me she could not live a lie with her husband anymore and wanted us to be together. She demanded of me that I make a choice of being with her and leaving you and the kids. During that ride home, I told her I would do exactly that.
I think God was working to protect you at that time, because, when I came home, you confronted me, with no evidence, that an affair was taking place. You were convinced in your spirit that the Holy Spirit was telling you confront me and not to accept anything less than my admission of guilt. That was the night I told you I was having an affair and that I was leaving you. I had the nerve to tell you I had felt unloved and unappreciated in our marriage for some time. Then, I tried to convince you that you and I both deserved to be with someone who really made us happy. You didn’t even flinch. You told me that was a complete lie from the enemy. I packed a bag and stormed out of the house that evening to stay in the local Hampton Inn. I called Sue to let her know. She told me her husband was suspicious as well. She decided, after my call to tell her husband she was leaving. Very late that evening, there was a knock on my hotel room door and it was her, with a bag packed, needing a place to stay. I invited her in and we had sex. For the next three days we stayed together. We both did not go to work and planned our exit from our marriages. We had sex multiples times during those days. We spent $1000 in hotel and room service, which I paid for. During this three days, I began to feel an absolute, unrelenting conviction in my spirit.
Unlike all my previous experiences, I could not fend it off. At the end of three days, there was a knock on the hotel room door. I went to answer it and it was Pastor Charlie. The normal peaceful, kind look in his eyes was not there. He was stern and told me we needed to speak. I got my coat and went with him to the unused conference room in the hotel. He explained to me, in very direct terms, the reality of what I was doing and God’s view of it. He also spoke with me about visiting with you and the children and the absolute destruction I had caused. He also confronted me that if I continued to harden my heart, there would come a time when I would be unable to turn from sin. I am not sure why, other than the power of the Holy Spirit, but at that moment, I broke. I wept uncontrollably for nearly an hour. After this, I returned to the room and got my belongings. Sue begged me to stay, as she was absolutely convinced of our needing to be together. She became enraged and yelled at me as I walked out the door. That was the night I came home to tell you I wanted our marriage to work and begged for you to take me back. From that point until now, Sue has called and texted me, as well as showing up at my work, but I have not responded to or seen her. Though I have blocked her number, she continues to pursue me by showing up at my offices. She is still separated from her husband and children and has not returned. In her messages, she has referred to our need to honor our commitment to one another. Per the prompting of our therapist, we wrote a letter together, mailing it to Sue, outlining my real commitment to you and to our marriage. Also, we explained my actions as adulterous and sinful, not as part of a love story. I have honored our agreement and left things at that letter and have not responded to Sue further.
It’s important I continue to step out of lies, denial, and justification but admitting to you the impact of my actions. While I am still growing in my understanding of this impact, I want to present to you what I realize and accept as the truth. First, I want to acknowledge how what I have done has impacted you. I robbed you of safety, trust, and love. My actions took from you the peace of being able to rest in my wedding promise to you that no matter what we faced in life, we would do so together. I did not love you the way you should be loved, the way God defines love. Instead, of growing in my understanding of this word, learning how to really love you, I traded it for superficial fantasy. Jessica, I abandoned you, leaving you alone and hurting. I also impacted our children. I stole time and relationship from them without them even knowing. I abandoned them too and hurt them deeply by hurting their mother. I have betrayed your parents who entrusted me with their daughter and have loved me like a son. I discarded what was so precious to them. I broke God’s heart. I took the relationship He so freely gave to me and betrayed it. So many times I could see He was trying to turn me from my sin, but I would not listen to Him, instead I blocked Him out. I did damage to those I work with by lying to them, betraying their trust in me.
Financially, I stole from our family, spending money on my infidelity and then lying to you about it. Finally, I want to break my horrible fantasy by realizing that my affair partner is a actual person with a real family and marriage. I did damage to their marriage and family, as well.
I committed the sin of adultery and am completely responsible for my actions. I actively deceived you on a regular basis, doing great damage to the trust in our relationship. I have heard you say things like perhaps you were too trusting or not wise enough. You should not ask those questions. The truth is, I exploited your love and trust to my advantage. Those were precious gifts of yours you shared with me and I am deeply saddened to hear you question them as being wrong. I was wrong. I manipulated you and robbed our family. My sin has no excuse. Although I don’t feel I deserve any compassion, I want to share my emotions so you know I feel some of the weight of what I have done. I feel incredible pain and shame almost all the time. Every time I look at you and the children guilt floods my heart, like a huge weight on my chest. I am broken inside with what I have done. I am writing this confession, to offer the truth, as a beginning step to reconciling our relationship and my relationship with God. I am giving my word, which I understand would have little value to you at this time, that I am committed to changing and walking with you, allowing God to heal us and our relationship. Right now it is not reasonable or loving for me to ask you to make a decision on our relationship or to forgive me. Instead, I am going to show-up, day after day, in our marriage and family as the man God has for me to be. I am going to allow him to grow me and restore me. This is a commitment I am making to God even if you choose not to reconcile with me. I have hurt you terribly, and you deserved none of it. However, I am saying today that I am going to change and ask for the chance to demonstrate my surrender to God’s will to you.
With All My Love & Sincerity,
Tom

Dear Emily,
This is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I must admit that I have struggled with viewing pornography during our marriage. I have been actively deceiving you regarding my secret sin, as you have asked me about it on multiple occasions. I must confess to you I broke the fidelity of our marriage by viewing other women. My sin is against God, you, our family and friends. There is no excuse for my actions and I am fully responsible for their impact. It is important, as part of my confession, that I actively engage in giving you the details of my actions. While this is a painful process, it is necessary, as any real healing is built on a foundation of truthfulness. This letter will serve as a clear outline of my infidelity, allowing a difficult and ambiguous situation to be made very clear. You are welcome to ask me any questions needed, and my job is to answer you fully with patience and honesty.
I first saw pornography at the age of 12. I was over at a friend’s house and he told me he wanted to show me some magazines his dad had. His parents were not home from work and we snuck into the garage and found a spot where pornographic magazines were hidden. We looked at them together and laughed.
Inside I felt excited but also really guilty. No one and ever talked to me about sex or nudity, but still something seemed off. It only happened once, we never looked again, although sometimes we would laugh and joke about what we saw.
I remember telling you I would spend weeks during the summer visiting my cousins. My older cousin, Jeff, and I have always been good friends and we would spend those summer weeks hanging out. This particular summer I was 14 years old. While Jeff and I were looking for something to do, he told me he found some videos his dad had and that we should watch them. I agreed and we started watching what turned out to be porn. I was shocked, as his father seemed like a guy who would never look at these kinds of things. We watched for about 10-15 minutes and then it got too awkward. That night, I snuck into the downstairs television room and watched more. This was also the first time I masturbated. For the rest of the time I was visiting them, I found time to sneak out and look at them. I remember feeling guilty and ashamed, but also excited. I would tell myself I wasn’t going to go back to look again but couldn’t seem to stop myself. I thought this was maybe just something men do but don’t talk about. The problem continued throughout my teenage years. I had friends at school who had magazines they were willing to share with me. It became a dirty little secret I kept, while feeling guilty about it all the time. My parents and other adults in my life never knew. I felt so much shame and would promise myself and God I would stop. On occasions I would stop for a month or two, but would then find my way back to pornography. I was incredibly discouraged and felt so alone. I was also confused because if so many guys I knew were doing this I thought maybe it was something you were not supposed to do but actually all guys did in secret.
Upon leaving for college, I found a new outlet for myself. The internet was really catching on at that point and one evening in my dorm room I had the idea to search for nudity online. I had heard other guys talking about it. Initially, I kept telling myself I would not try to look at porn online. I prayed about it and committed to God I would not go down this path. However, there was no one else who I was relying on to help me stay pure. The results of my online  search were profound. I had discovered a new way of accessing more pornography than imaginable from the privacy of my room. I felt a mix of excitement and utter hopelessness.
You and I met in our second year of college at the campus Christian organization. At this time, I was viewing porn 2-3 times per week and masturbating. Of course, this was not something I shared with you.
Instead, I tried to present as if I had everything together, to impress you and show you that I was the kind of guy you were looking for. I also lied to myself at this point, telling myself I did not need to tell you. I reasoned that we were not married and if we did get married, I would no longer have this problem. After all, we would be able to be sexually active, so I surely wouldn’t be tempted. I was also afraid to tell anyone about the struggle. I was alone, repenting one day and struggling the next.
Once our relationship became more serious, I struggled again with the need to tell you. However, I chose to deceive myself that I would quit if we were going to get married, and as a result, deceived you once more. Once, while we were sitting together in the park we liked to go to together, I remember you asking me point blank if I had ever struggled with porn. I exploited your trust in me by lying and telling you I had briefly struggled with it in high school but no longer did. Your trust in me was a gift, one that I have heard you refer to lately as stupidity. I wish you could see your trusting was not foolish, it was my deception of you that was wrong.
I must also confess that within a month prior to us getting engaged, I began viewing porn and masturbating on a nearly daily basis. Previous to this, I had been pushing physical boundaries in our relationship relentlessly. You complained about it and we had several conversations, but I was not exercising self-control away from you in my private life, so I had no character to draw from when I was with you. I upped my porn use and convinced myself that this would be a temporary solution for trying to get you to go too far physically in our relationship. Rather than being the man God had called me to be, I doubled down in my sin. As a result, I did refrain from pushing you, but it was because I was becoming more committed to porn. I continued porn used nearly every day until our wedding.
At my bachelor party, some of my friends made jokes about preparing for marriage by going to an adult store. I joked about doing this, underneath hoping we would all go while telling ourselves it was just a joke. Unfortunately, my friends did use this as an excuse to take me, and we went. I entered the store and pretended I thought this place was a joke, but the truth was, inside I was completely giving myself to lust. We bought a few items, the ones I showed you and we joked about on our honeymoon. You didn’t realize the whole time the dark side of what had happened. In the initial three months of our marriage, I did not look at porn, as we were in our honeymoon phase and sex with you was consuming and amazing. I was praising God at this time, thinking that I had been delivered and the trial was over.
However, after that first three months, I began accessing porn on our newly acquired smart phones. They provided me the privacy I needed to operate. Initially, it was once every few weeks, but within 2 months, I was looking 4 to 5 times per week and masturbating. I obviously could not perform sexually in our marriage, and you asked me about this several times. I pretended to be as shocked as you and after a few months, I went to the doctor. Once again, I deceived you and exploited your trust for me by carrying on as if this must be some medical issue. Of course, the results came back from the doctor and he told me I was fine medically. What I did not tell you was upon giving me my test results, he asked me about how much porn I was watching. He didn’t even ask if I was, he just asked how much. I didn’t answer, and he told me that would need to be addressed and recommended that I be honest with you. I lied later about the appointment, telling you they would be getting back with me later about the results and considering testosterone treatment.
My porn use continued at that rate, hidden, until September this year when we went to that marriage conference. During the conference they spoke about the issue of sexual integrity and the way porn destroys marriages. I was broken inside and could not hold it in any longer. I confessed to you, and the retreat leaders suggested seeing a counselor. The last time I viewed porn was the night prior to us leaving for the retreat. This brings us to the present.
I have now shared the complete story of all my actions. They are fully my responsibility. I committed the sin of adultery via pornography and am completely responsible for my actions. I actively deceived you on a regular basis, doing great damage to the trust in our relationship. I have heard you say things like perhaps you were too trusting or not wise enough. You should not ask those questions. The truth is, I exploited your love and trust to my advantage. Those were precious gifts of yours you shared with me and I am deeply saddened to hear you question them as being wrong. I was wrong. I manipulated you and robbed our family. I abandoned you sexually, as well, leaving you feeling insecure and unsure of yourself. I am connecting to my emotions now, and the pain I feel at what I have done is overwhelming. I am not saying this for any sympathy, but for you to know what I have done and it’s impact matter to me. I am devastated inside. My sin has no excuse. I am writing this confession, to offer the truth, as a beginning step to reconciling our relationship and my relationship with God. I am giving my word, which I understand will have little value to you at this time, that I am committed to changing and walking with you, allowing God to heal us and our relationship. Right now, it is not reasonable or loving for me to ask you to make a decision on our relationship or to forgive me. Instead, I am going to show-up, day after day, in our marriage as the man God has for me to be. I am going to allow Him to grow me and restore me. This is a commitment I am making to God even if you choose not to reconcile with me. I have hurt you terribly, and you deserved none of it. However, I am saying today that I am going to change and ask for the chance to demonstrate my surrender to God’s will.
With All My Love & Sincerity,
Blake

Dear Lisa,
This is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I must admit that I have struggled with sexual behavior outside of our marriage. I have been actively deceiving you regarding my secret sin, as you have asked me about it on multiple occasions. I must confess to you I broke the fidelity of our marriage. My sin is against God, you, our family and friends. There is no excuse for my actions and I am fully responsible for their impact. It is important, as part of my confession, that I actively engage in giving you the details of my actions. While this is a painful process, it is necessary, as any real healing will be built on a foundation of truthfulness. This letter will serve as a clear outline of my infidelity, allowing a difficult and ambiguous situation to be made very clear. You are welcome to ask me any questions needed, and my job is to answer you fully with patience and honesty.
I first came into contact with pornography at the age of 14, while visiting my cousin on his farm. His father, my uncle, kept Playboy magazines in the barn. These materials were hidden, but my cousin had found them and showed the magazines to me. For the rest of the time I was visiting them, I found time to sneak out and look at them. I remember feeling guilty and ashamed, but also excited. I would tell myself I wasn’t going to go back to look again,but couldn’t seem to stop myself. I thought this is might just be something men do but don’t talk about. The problem continued throughout my teenage years. I had friends at school who had magazines they were willing to share with me. It became a dirty little secret I kept, while feeling guilty about it all the time. My parents and other adults in my life never knew. I felt so much shame and would promise myself and God I would stop. On occasion I would stop for a month or two, but would then find my way back to pornography. I was incredibly discouraged and felt so alone. I was also confused because if so many guys I knew were doing this I thought maybe it was something you were not supposed to do but guys all did in secret.
Upon leaving for college, I found a new outlet for myself. The internet was really catching on at that point and one evening, in my dorm room, I had the idea to search for nudity online. I had heard other guys talking about it. Initially, I kept telling myself I would not try to look at porn online. I prayed about it and committed to God I would not go down this path. However, there was no one else who I was relying on to help me stay pure. The results of my online search were profound. I had discovered a new way of accessing more pornography than imaginable from the privacy of my room. I felt a mix of excitement and utter hopelessness.
You and I met in our second year of college at the campus Christian organization. At this time, I was viewing porn 2-3 times per week and masturbating. Of course, this was not something I shared with you.
Instead, I tried to present as if I had everything together, to impress you and show you that I was the kind of guy you were looking for. I also lied to myself at this point, telling myself I did not need to tell you. I reasoned that we were not married and if we did get married, I would no longer have this problem. After all, we would be able to be sexually active, so I surely wouldn’t be tempted. I was also afraid to tell anyone about the struggle. I was alone, repenting one day and struggling the next.
Once our relationship became more serious, I struggled again with the need to tell you. However, I chose again to deceive myself that I would quit if we were going to get married, and as a result, deceived you once more. Once, while we were sitting together in the park we liked to go to together, I remember you asking me point blank if I had ever struggled with porn. I exploited your trust in me by lying and telling you I had briefly struggled with it in high school but no longer did. Your trust in me was a gift, one that I have heard you refer to lately as stupidity. I wish you could see your trusting was not foolish, it was my deception of you that was wrong.
I must also confess that within a month prior to us getting engaged, I began viewing porn and masturbating on a nearly daily basis. Previous to this, I had been pushing physical boundaries in our relationship relentlessly. You complained about it and we had several conversations, but I was not exercising self-control away from you in my private life, so I had no character to draw from when I was with you. I upped my porn use and convinced myself that this would be a temporary solution for trying to get you to go too far physically in our relationship. Rather than being the man God has called me to be, I doubled down in my sin. As a result, I did refrain from pushing you, but it was because I was becoming more committed to porn. I continued porn used nearly daily until our wedding.
At my bachelor party, some of my friends made jokes about preparing for marriage by going to an adult store. I joked about doing this, underneath hoping we would all go while telling ourselves it was just a joke. Unfortunately, my friends did use this as an excuse to take me, and we went. I entered the store and pretended I thought this place was a joke, but the truth was, inside I was completely giving myself to lust. We bought a few items, the ones I showed you and we joked about on our honeymoon. You didn’t realize the whole time the dark side of what had happened. In the initial three months of our marriage, I did not look at porn, as we were in our honeymoon phase and sex with you was consuming and amazing. I was praising God at this time, thinking that I had been delivered and the trial was over.
However, after that first three months, I began accessing porn on our newly acquired smart phones. They provided me the privacy I needed to operate. Initially, it was once every few weeks, but within 2 months, I was looking 4 to 5 times per week and masturbating. I obviously could not perform sexually in our marriage, and you asked me about this several times. I pretended to be a shocked as you and after a few months, I went to the doctor. Once again, I deceived you and exploited your trust for me by carrying on as if this must be some medical issue. Of course, the results came back from the doctor and he told me I was fine medically. What I did not tell you was upon giving me my test results, he asked me about how much porn I was watching. He didn’t even ask if I was, he just asked how much. I didn’t answer, and he told me that would need to be addressed and recommended that I be honest with you. I lied later about the appointment, telling you they would be getting back with me later about the results and considering testosterone treatment.
Things intensified from there. Approximately one year after our marriage, I began frequently adult stores at a rate of about one time per month for the next 2 years. I purchased masturbation sleeves and silicone versions of female body parts for masturbation (breasts & vagina). I hid these items in the garage where I was sure you would not look. I was also continuing regular porn use and masturbation at a rate of anywhere from 2 to 5 times per week. I also went to a strip club on my first business trip for work, the one you were so excited about for me. It was the trip to Atlanta. I had begun researching strip clubs a month prior and viewing their live show cameras. Some of those clubs allow you brief free videos of their dancers to entice you to visit or to purchase full length content. Going to a strip club had always been a line I thought I would never cross, but I did cross it.
While in Atlanta I visited the club, paying a $100 cover charge and $1500 on private lap dances with two of the dancers at a time. Each of these sessions were 15 minutes long and cost $750. I was allowed to touch the dancers, in addition to their touching me. I am sad to say that I placed my hands on them. I paid for and received one of these sessions each of the two nights I went to the club. Since I handled the finances and was making good money, I hid this from you. However, when you wanted to do some decorating to our new house, this was the reason I said we could not afford it. You were so understanding and even comforted me that you knew I was trying my best to provide for us. I felt incredible guilt, but in my mind I had gone too far now, I could never back out or confess.
I began traveling regularly to Atlanta that year, once every 4 to 6 weeks for the next two years. Each time I went down, I frequented the same club and developed a familiarity with the people who owned it, purchasing at least one lap dance each time I was there. After the first year, they could see I was willing to pay for sexual services and told me that I could have a “complete experience” with a dancer of my choosing if I wanted. They prided themselves on being a“high-end gentlemen’s club” and stated their girls were worth a premium and tested for STD’s regularly to ensure men’s safety. I said I was very interested
and that evening, the dancer I selected was at my hotel room door. I paid her $800 to have sex with me with a condom. The next month I was down, I did the same thing, but this time was told if I paid $1,000 it could be unprotected sex. I agreed and from that point on, I was paying $1,000 a trip, skipping the strip club all together, and having different dancers come to my hotel. I also took out a private credit card and began racking up debt. To cover this, I took out a home equity loan on our home without your knowledge in the amount of $50,000. That second year I paid for sex with a dancer 2-3 times each trip. I stopped justifying what I was doing and simply operated in a place of hopelessness. Again, in my mind I was already lost and had gone too far.
I had two girls in particular I enjoyed being with and had sex with each of them about 8 times. I did not talk with these girls about you, our marriage, or family. Instead, it was all about flirting and partying. I want to be clear, what I liked about them was how they were able to make me feel, like a rock-star or celebrity. This totally fake interaction made them my top choices. I did not feel a caring connection between any of the girls and myself. The rest of the  dancers were either once or twice. I was on top of the world in my mind. My career looked like it was going to continue going to new heights, money was quick and easy. I had long since stopped feeling much of anything. Instead, I was amazed at my ability to have such a secret life. It was like I became able to turn off my emotions around this and any time the shame inside started to surface, I quickly distracted myself.
Meanwhile, at home, I was more and more depressed and withdrawn. This came out many times as being easily irritated. I was short with you and the kids, all while not giving you love or support. The world had lost all its color for me. The only times I felt alive became when I was planning to or in the  process of acting out.
However, this all changed at the end of that second year. I began struggling at work in sales, and with the market lagging, the seemingly endless cash flow dried up. I remember you telling me it was like a switch was flipped in my head. I was more irritable, distant, and hopeless than ever. You kept trying to tell me things would be all right but that was because you did not realize the debt problem I had created. I had spent all $50,000 in home equity and maxed out a credit card of $25,000. I was in serious trouble. By March of year three, I was let go from my company and at my wits end. I made plans to run away, to disappear.
That’s when you happened to come home in the middle of the day, for no apparent reason. I believe it was God. You found me with the car packed in the driveway. I broke and told you I had created some debt with using porn and poor business decisions. I did not confess everything to you, but enough that I felt relief.
We made our counseling appointment and now we are here today.
I have now shared the complete story of all my actions. They are fully my responsibility. I committed the sin of adultery and am completely responsible for my actions. I actively deceived you on a regular basis, doing great damage to the trust in our relationship. I have heard you say things like perhaps you were too trusting or not wise enough. You should not ask those questions. The truth is, I exploited your love and trust to my advantage. Those were precious gifts of yours you shared with me and I am deeply saddened to hear you question them as being wrong. I was wrong. I manipulated you and robbed our family. I also exposed you physically to disease and STD’s. I abandoned you and our children. I am connecting to my emotions now, and the pain I feel at what I have done is overwhelming. I am not saying this for any sympathy, but for you to know what I have done and it’s impact matter to me. I am devastated inside. My sin has no excuse. I am writing this confession, to offer the truth, as a beginning step to reconciling our relationship and my relationship with God. I am giving my word, which I understand will have little value to you at this time, that I am committed to changing and walking with you, allowing God to heal us and our relationship. Right now, it is not reasonable or loving for me to ask you to make a decision on our relationship or to forgive me. Instead, I am going to show-up, day after day, in our marriage and family as the man God has for me to be. I am going to allow Him to grow me and restore me.
This is a commitment I am making to God even if you choose not to reconcile with me. I have hurt you terribly, and you deserved none of it. However, I am saying today that I am going to change and ask for the chance to demonstrate my surrender to God’s will to you.
With All My Love & Sincerity,
Michael

FULL DISCLOSURE WORKSHEET
FOR THE SA
Please note: this worksheet is to be used within a therapeutic context and under the direction of a qualified mental health professional, preferably a  Certified Sex Addiction Therapist or Pastoral Sexual Addiction Professional. It is not intended to be a self-help tool as this could result in serious consequences.
PART I: FULL DISCLOSURE INFORMATION
The following information is outlined to support the sexually addicted client through the process of Full Disclosure. Our hope is that by you taking full ownership with transparency, a bridge of trust will start to be built between you and your spouse.
Your spouse has a right know the truth about your sexual acting out choices and the person with whom they are in relationship with. Even if your spouse knows “all the details,” your spouse still deserves a formal disclosure process as some details may have been previously omitted or forgotten.
Disclosure is formulated as a timeline of your sexual behaviors and deceptions, clearly stated with ownership. Full disclosure is not a time for apologies, a detailed explanation or minimization. Discussing your feelings and regrets will come at a later time during your Letter of Emotional Restitution meeting.
Your clinician will assist you in writing your FD. This will likely take a few drafts. FD is best constructed as a listed bullet point of behaviors, actions, money spent and so forth as outlined in your worksheet guide.
Your clinician will work closely with you to ensure the most complete and accurate Full Disclosure possible. However, when there have been many years of gas lighting or staggered disclosure, your spouse may reasonably be unable to trust that you are fully disclosing all information. This is why a polygraph is a key part of the disclosure process.
All Full Disclosures include the following information:
● Legal Problems;
● Sexually transmitted infections and other related health issues;
● Impact on professional reputation and/or social status;
● Impact on household/family;
● Financial impact;
● Professional reputation;
Your disclosure should also include the following information:
● List of general sexually addictive behaviors
● List of specific addictive behaviors, including:
o Time frames of acting out (dates and/or events)
o Frequency/duration of acting out
o Places/locations of acting out
o Money spent on acting out
o Behaviors that have involved another person/people
● Exact number of sexual partners (or an estimate if exact number is unknown)
● Identity of any acting out partner that your spouse may personally know
o Process this item with your clinician and group, as some circumstances warrant disclosure of this information, while other circumstances do not.
● Identity of any friends/family members who may already be aware of this problem
● Information starting from as far back as you remember Your spouse’s participation:
● During this time, your partner will be asked to complete reading, material and partner FD prep forms.
o These forms will be turned into your clinician and will include specific requests and clarification questions he/she may have.
o It will also include boundaries and information that he/she may not wish to have in your Full Disclosure.
o Additionally this will include a specific self-care plan for your spouse.
● Your clinician will then work with you in respecting her/his requests and boundaries as you prepare your disclosure.

LETTER OF EMOTIONAL RESTITUTION GUIDELINES FOR THE SEX ADDICT
PART I: SUPPORTIVE GUIDELINES FOR THE RECOVERY SA
1. The Letter of Emotional Restitution (ER) happens after the Full Disclosure meeting,
and after your spouse’s Emotional Impact Letter meeting. This step of the healing process is a time where you as the recovering sex addict have worked with your clinician and group over time, have had a thoughtful process with this task, and have completed a letter of restitution to share with your spouse.
2. You will be reading your feelings and expressing remorse and empathy about how your sexual acting out has hurt your spouse and taking ownership for your choices.
3. This is not a letter where “nitty gritty” details will be shared. In order to reduce trauma to the spouse, we ask that you, the recovering addict, make an emotional restitution and amends from the heart and stay away from triggering details that could potentially re-traumatize the spouse.
4. This can be a triggering task for some addicts as they find their shame core reactivated. It will be very important that you work closely with your clinician and your community of support while constructing your letter. If you feel suicidal at any point, you must alert your clinician to this or call 911.
5. Though most spouses respond well to emotional restitution/atonement letter meetings, it is still an activating experience for the spouse to hear the addict recount his or her process of hurting the spouse.
Example of Letter Opening: Dear [spouse], Thank you for being here today to receive my letter of restitution. You have waited a long time for this amends and I am grateful that you are willing to receive this. For creating chaos and harm to you in…(then refer to your partner’s Emotional Impact letter as needed to ensure that you are including all of the places she has been most wounded).
Remember, this is a letter that must come from a place of ownership and empathy, a heartfelt, honest, and sincere letter.
You will work closely with your clinician and group through the stages of completing this letter. After the ER meeting your spouse will receive a copy of this letter to later reflect on unless otherwise contraindicated (e.g. your spouse has threatened to use this against you, your spouse has threatened to expose you, your spouse is divorcing you).

Adapted from “Formal Disclosure Documents for CSAT Therapists” by Mari A. Lee, 2007-2015 Mari A. Lee, “Post-Formal Disclosure Letter of
Emotional Restitution Guidelines for the Sex Addict.” Copyright 2007-2015 by Mari A. Lee. Adapted with permission.

LETTER OF EMOTIONAL RESTITUTION GUIDELINES
FOR THE SEX ADDICT
PART II: RULES OF SUPPORT
1. Please drive separately to the meeting. Your spouse will want to have time to consider and process what you have shared. If you feel that having a driver (a trusted and safe family member or friend) is wise, we encourage you to support yourself this way. Note that this person would not be a part of the meeting.
2. The meeting will begin and end on time, and will not start until both of the coupleship are present.
3. Please have a light meal and do not arrive intoxicated.
4. If you are pregnant or ill, are feeling suicidal or homicidal we will reschedule the meeting for safety and well-being.
5. Please have a self-care plan in place and outline this plan below.
6. If you are feeling suicidal or homicidal, or are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, you are advised to call 911 immediately and seek out your clinician.

PART III: SELF-CARE FOR EMOTIONAL RESTITUTION
Before the ER meeting:

Immediately after the ER meeting:

Evening of the ER meeting:

Where will you be staying the evening of the ER meeting?

List the phone number where you will be reachable:

List people you are committing to contact for support:

List concerns you have for yourself:

Adapted from “Formal Disclosure Documents for CSAT Therapists” by Mari A. Lee, 2007-2015 Mari A. Lee, “Post-Formal Disclosure Letter of Emotional Restitution Guidelines for the Sex Addict.” Copyright 2007-2015 by Mari A. Lee. Adapted with permission.

FULL DISCLOSURE WORKSHEET FOR THE SA
PART II: SELF-CARE FOR DISCLOSURE
Full Disclosure is typically a very challenging part of the recovery process. As such, it is important for you to outline our after care self-care plan immediately before and following FD.

Outline your self-care plan for the day before Disclosure:

Before the Disclosure:

Outline your self-care plan for the day of Disclosure:

Immediately before Disclosure:

After the Disclosure:

Where will you be staying the evening of Disclosure?

List the phone number where you will be reachable:

List people you are committing to contact for support:

List concerns you have for yourself:

Adapted from “Formal Disclosure Documents for CSAT Therapists” by Mari A. Lee, 2007-2015 Mari A. Lee, “Formal Disclosure Worksheet for
the SA” Copyright 2007-2015 by Mari A. Lee. Adapted with permission.

Learning about any kind of betrayal in a primary relationship can be devastating. When couples enter treatment for sexual addiction, there has almost always been some sort of discovery or disclosure of sexually inappropriate or compulsive behavior preceding treatment. It is common, however, for a partner to question whether or not everything has been disclosed or to feel unsure about whether or not he or she can trust what the addict has said given the very real context of deceit.

Often the core issues that led to the formation of a sexual addiction can hinder a full, honest and partner-sensitive disclosure. Even if an addict is striving to be truthful, it can be mentally and physiologically impossible for addicts to recall their entire addiction history in the initial stages of treatment. This fractured recall, which can be hurtful in and of itself to partners, is often due to the longstanding climate of shame and secrecy that has enveloped the addiction, as well as the changes in the brain that can occur over the course of a sexual addiction. Subsequently, it is not uncommon for piecemeal disclosures to take place for a time. This can be excruciating for a partner and extremely trauma evoking. It can also be frustrating to the addict who wants to be forthcoming but is having difficultly pulling the whole story together.

Given that the majority of partners experience trauma in the wake of a discovery or partial disclosure, it is important to reset this experience in a healthy, thorough and supportive manner and to put all of the information on the table in one place and at one time. Resetting this experience is not only important for a partner’s healing, but also a critical aspect of an addict’s recovery. In order for authentic recovery to take place, an addict must learn how to break  down secrecy, become accountable, learn to take responsibility, establish sobriety, learn to feel empathy, and connect authentically with others. Engaging in a thoughtful and carefully planned disclosure process can support this healing process.

A therapeutic disclosure is a unique type of intervention that creates a supportive space for couples to share and learn about a full accounting of sexual behavior outside of the relationship while in the presence of qualified mental health practitioners. Ideally, the partner and the addict both have their respective primary therapists present during the therapeutic disclosure session so that each may feel fully supported.

The following guidelines are intended to help couples prepare for a therapeutic disclosure that is thorough, safe, supportive and optimally beneficial to the long-term healing and recovery of both parties.

Please be aware that these recommendations are rooted in clinical experiences from a vast number of clinicians who specialize in sexual addiction work. You are invited to review these carefully and to give serious contemplation to their implementation:

• As with any therapeutic intervention, there are risks and benefits associated with a therapeutic disclosure, including legal ramifications (e.g., impact on child custody agreements, divorce settlements, or potential criminal reports and/or charges) in some cases. Please discuss these risks and benefits with your therapist and/or lawyer in order to understand the potential consequences as they relate to your specific circumstance.
• Partners are encouraged to identify the areas of concern that are of greatest priority to them and to generate questions with their therapist related to these concerns. Typically, no more than 8 – 10 questions are recommended. These questions will then be shared with the addict’s therapist once proper releases of confidentiality are in place. The questions are then addressed in the addict’s individual therapy and answers are included in the written disclosure document. Answers to a partner’s questions are one part of the disclosure document and do not comprise the entire document. A thorough disclosure document will include topics such as: the history of one’s sexual behavior; pertinent life events which contributed to the formation of these behaviors; the scope of sexual behaviors; the frequency of sexual behaviors; behaviors that have been previously hidden; the ways in which the addict deceived his or her partner about the addictive behaviors; and answers to the partners questions.
• It is strongly recommended that a therapeutic disclosure is planned after a minimum of 90 days of treatment and sobriety. On occasion, it is necessary to engage in an emergency disclosure when an adult or minor is in harm’s way, but emergency disclosures are rare and far from ideal. Disclosure of abuse or neglect of a minor child is legally required to be reported by the therapist.
• Please be aware that your therapist has the right to refuse to engage in a therapeutic polygraph or disclosure process if there are concerns about either of these processes resulting in harm to either party or if your therapist has reason to believe they are being undertaken with disingenuous motives.
• Both the addict and the partner must carefully prepare for and be ready for a scheduled therapeutic disclosure. Following are areas to be considered and addressed at the disclosure session:
  a. Readiness for the addict entails:
  • Commitment to recovery.
  • Sobriety has been established for a minimum of 90 days.
  • Active recall of key events.
  • Trauma symptoms are well-managed and skills have been acquired to manage feelings of distress and shame.
  • Demonstrated ability to empathize with and validate his or her partner’s experience of the betrayal and the sexual addiction.
  • Being tested for STDs.
  • Producing a written, narrative-style disclosure which has been reviewed in individual therapy and checked to ensure any signs of minimizing, grandstanding, blame, and/or justification are removed.
  • Preparing detailed pre & post-disclosure self-care plans.

b. Readiness for the partner entails:

• • Commitment to recovery.
  • Trauma symptoms are well-managed and skills have been acquired to manage feelings of distress.
  • Safety has been established (e.g., physical, emotional, financial, sexual, & financial).
  • Being tested for STDs. Note: even if the addict’s test is negative, you are strongly encouraged to get your own testing done.
  • Willingness to engage in the disclosure process.
  • Preparing detailed pre & post-disclosure self-care plans.

Recommendations for preparing for the therapeutic disclosure meeting:

• • a. Polygraph Testing: Some partners or couples desire a polygraph test to be passed prior to the therapeutic disclosure taking place. This can give both parties confidence in the process and can diminish the stress of wondering if the full truth will be shared or if the disclosure should be believed. If this is something you would like to have done, a polygraph test will need to be booked at least two weeks in advance of the disclosure date. To be clear, polygraphs are not required for a therapeutic disclosure to occur, however, they have proven beneficial for many couples. Please be informed that polygraph results are used for treatment planning purposes only and are handled with strict confidentially. It is important to be informed that if information is disclosed during the polygraph examination that gives rise to suspicion or confirmation of activities directly associated with child pornography (e.g., grooming, production, distribution, and possession), human trafficking, or the neglect or abuse of a minor, this information will warrant a report to law enforcement by any mental health practitioners involved with the process.  Polygraphists are not mandated reporters in some states. Reports to law enforcement, which are rare, will be made by the addict’s mental health practitioner after receiving the final polygraph report or upon learning of the reportable information, whichever occurs first.
  • b. Disclosure Document Review: If a recovering addict wishes to review his or her disclosure document prior to a polygraph exam or disclosure meeting, this can be arranged by:
    1) signing a Release of Confidentiality Form and the Consent Agreement for Third Party Participation,
    2) having his or her therapist securely send a copy of your disclosure document at least one week prior to the polygraph test or disclosure meeting, and
    3) paying a prorated hourly fee for her time to review the document and give feedback. Please note that a review a disclosure document and gives feedback, this does not mean the addict is in a client/therapist, but rather is consulting as part of the preparation process. In a consulting relationship, all information that is shared receives the same level of confidentiality as in a client/therapist relationship, however, any issues related to the implementation of feedback need to be addressed  with the addict’s therapist.
  • c. Transportation & Lodging: Please plan on taking separate vehicles to and from the disclosure and on making arrangements to not be under the same roof for at least one to two nights post-disclosure. If a couple is experiencing high conflict leading up to the disclosure date, separate lodging prior to the disclosure may also be wise.
  • d. Drugs. Avoid taking any mood altering substance, including marijuana, for at least one week prior to the test. Also avoid taking any medications that you do not normally use within 24 hours of the disclosure.
  • e. Storage of Document. If the recovering addict wishes to keep the disclosure document, it is his or her responsibility to decide how to keep that document confidential and secure. A copy of the disclosure document will also be kept  with the addict’s therapist as part of the therapeutic record. It is recommended  that the disclosure document not be given to the partner to keep. It has been the experience that when partners receive a copy of the disclosure document, it triggers obsessional thinking, rumination, trauma, couple conflict and prolonged symptoms for both parties. Consequently, it is recommended that partners not keep a copy of the disclosure document.
  • f. Length of Disclosure Sessions. Please plan on blocking out at least two to three hours for the therapeutic disclosure session. While each disclosure can vary in length, it is set up in this manner so that no one will feel rushed. This time period also allows time for processing what has been disclosed.
  • g. Fees. When a disclosure meeting is held, both the addict and partner pay his or her own therapist their regular hourly rate for the time spent in the joint session.
  • h. Avoid Pre-Disclosure Disclosure. It is counterproductive to engage in question/answer sessions as a couple prior to the disclosure. Strong preparation for the therapeutic disclosure is the best method of finding out what each person needs or wants to know and for sharing what you need or want to share.

Please discuss any questions or concerns regarding this process and/or preparation with your therapist. You are also encouraged to address any legal concerns or questions with a qualified attorney.

By signing this form, I affirm that I am fully informed of the therapy services I am requesting and that is providing, and grant my consent to receive such therapy services.

My signature below affirms that the preceding information has been provided to me in writing by my primary therapist, or if I am unable to read or have no written language, an oral explanation accompanied the written copy. I understand my rights as a client and should I have any questions, I will ask my therapist.

Client Signature  _________________________________
Date  _________________________________
Client Signature  _________________________________
Date  _________________________________

Glossary of Terms
Please accept that the following initials used throughout these documents are in no way intended to hurt or disrespect anyone.
Abbreviations are used strictly for the purpose of creating documents that are less confusing to read.
BP – Betrayed Partner
SA – Sex Addicted Partner
FD – Full Disclosure
PD – Post Disclosure
ER – Emotional Restitution Letter
EI – Emotional Impact Letter
CCPS – Certified Clinical Partner Specialist